2005-09-23 - 12:26 p.m.

Dill squit you get out of that mud right now!

I know. Only one or two of you got that, but it was funny right?

I may not be a ton of funny today. Take what you can get.

E-beth is uncanny.

I mean, you just can't get E-beth in a can these days.

First she sends me the writing book out of the blue right before I make entries about writing.

Then last night she sent me this book she was reading and I asked if I could have next (The Hot Zone- I can't wait!) and a couple of cds.

E-beth makes kick azz compilation cd's.

She always puts in a list of what is on the cd but for looking at that first is ruining the joy of just letting the music flow over you in the way nature and E-beth intended. So I didn't look.

Let that serve as background information for the story I'm about to share.

Did you read the long rambling entry in which I told you the shampoo story?

Go ahead and read just the Jordan parts if you missed it or don't have it memorized.

So all of that was fine. Except that he called me like 2 or 3 more times to make sure I was okay with him playing at Church Street, which I was until he kept on me about it. Whatever.

Finally he says "I think I'm more upset about this than you are." and I agree.

We hang up shortly after that.

Yesterday morning I turned my phone on as I was leaving for work and had two messages.

Message one was from my student the sharklover calling to say that yes, she was indeed taping Anderson on 360 for me all week and she'd bring me the tape friday morning (YAY).

Message two was Jordan. He sounded quiet and tired. It said simply, "I don't think we should talk for awhile. I'll explain when I can."

Naturally my first instinct was to call him immediately and ask him what the hell...but I resisted.

I replayed every recent conversation in my head and I was baffled. What had I done?

I just didn't know.

Then I got really angry because he's never home anymore which is fine, because we're not together and what do I care only I'm the ONLY one who will take care of his son with any consistancy and he knows he can go away because he knows I will make sure everything is taken care of while he's gone, but then he comes home and he doesn't want to talk to me?

Fuck you.

But then I couldn't stay mad long. Because he didn't sound mad when he said we shouldn't talk. He just sounded exhausted.

I did the next best thing to calling him. I called his brother.

It was a rude awakening. He hadn't talked to J but after I told him the interactions of the past few days he knocked me on my ass with what he termed "A pretty good guess" at why J is pulling away.

Asking for his shampoo was like telling him I needed the idea of him but didn't want him.

I kinda got that but was still a little confused. I mean, it never occured to me in the least that my asking for his shampoo would affect him in any way other than mild amusement at how messed up I am.

Wow am I a bitch.

Because his brother brought it home for me pretty quickly just like this.

"What if Don called you and asked for your perfume?"


Like a ton of bricks.

I'm so used to keeping Donnie at an arms length because wanting him so much and having him want me-but not enough to take me- tears me apart. Realizing that I've treated J like Don treats me, that I've made him feel that same way killed me.

It never occured to how it hurt him for me to do what I do.

I sent J an email with a subject line saying "It's okay to ignore this, but if you want..."

In it I told him about my conversation with his brother and let him know that I would respect his request for space if he wanted, but if he could I'd really like to talk about things.

We met this morning.

I won't tell you all of the details but I'll say this, I don't think either of us have spoken as honestly about our feelings to one another in a very long time. Maybe not since the day I left for Florida 14 years ago.

Anyway, it was pretty emotional and we didn't really resolve much other than the fact that it was his turn to need a step away from this bizarre, whatever, that we always seem drawn to.

It has always been me that has taken time away from him, he's never requested it and I've never even considered the possiblity.

It was a difficult thing, but I understand it.

I left him and started driving (even later than usual) to work.

I had started to stop thinking about it.
I was trying to get my head into work, or think about the fact that an Anderson tape would be waiting here for me, or dreading dinner tonight with the worlds most boring boy...anything.

I slipped in E-beth's cd.

Do you know I had never heard a Ludacris song in it's entirety?

If you had told me about Step Back (is that it? I don't have the name of it in the office) I would have said I wouldn't like it but I totally loved it.

I was blown away with Mambo Italiano (my copy of that skips, I was so happy to have a clean version---hey E-beth, have you heard Cool Cool Cool of the Evening? Best. Song. Ever.)

I was lulled away from the morning drama, swinging and swaying with the Spice Girls...

Wait...what is that?

You must be joking.

That isn't J's voice pouring out of my cd player.

It can't be.


Thanks E-beth. It was all I could do to get to the side of the road before I couldn't see a thing.

So to all you folks who saw the girl having a complete emotional breakdown on route 1 this morning, let me just say this:

Blame E-beth.

click here to add to the 9 comments so far

previous - next

about me - read my profile! Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!