2005-02-04 - 2:50 p.m.

First let me say this, cause I don't know where this entry is going in the end, but I do know this:

I nearly had a heartattach over something very innocent and simple yesterday.

As we all know, I tape Ellen every day and watch her right before I go to bed (the better to dream you with).

Last night Ellen taped a visit to her local pyschic shop. While she was there mugging for the camera the phone rang. She tried to get the psychics to guess who it would be, but then she answered the phone herself and said,

"It's Annie"

and then I vomited.

Anyway, messages from the great beyond aside (and by the way TL has been sending me all sorts of messages via the radio lately which is at the same time fun and unsettling), lately I've been feeling antisocial.

I'm sure some of you can relate to this.

I feel like I want to be completely alone, in the dark, in the fetal position.

I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to be cheered up, I don't want people to be concerned that I've turned into a complete robot giving out preprogrammed responses and barely connecting that you're even in my airspace.

However. I am completely blown away by the fact that most of the people closest to me either haven't noticed or don't give a shit.

I'm glad because I don't want them to. I don't, why should they?

Still...it's been a rough month or so and the people that I would normally expect to cut through the robot have not made the smallest attempt, or indeed even had a long enough conversation with me to realize.

I say most.

One person I know is in a funk of her own and since she's sort of using it to bait people (which I do but I really resent when other people do-I am flawed, I readily admit) I'm not jumping up and down to help her. More because I couldn't if both of our lives depended on it right now than because of anything else.

Another person, an unlikely person, a slave person, has been very attentive and very aware of the fact that I'm in robot mode and very cautious to check in and see if I'm doing the things I need to do to take care of myself.

Until yesterday I thought that the person most likely to notice and help, the person I was most annoyed hadn't appeared to notice, finally said to me on the phone:

J:"So how long are we going to do this?"

O: "This?"

J: "Pretend that you're okay?"

O: "I'm not sure."

J: "We're getting way past due for the ugly cry."

O: "Way past."

J: "It scares me when you don't do it."

O: "Me too."

So at least someone recognized that an ugly cry is in my future.

Thing is I'm scared that when I start this time I may not stop. And I don't have a whole lot of cry left in me. I've done it so many times now.

So the scariest thing is, what is there when the ugly cry isn't ugly enough?

Wow...hey gang, come read my fun diary. Weeeeee, aren't you glad you dropped by?


More useless frivolity another time.

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