2004-07-06 - 3:51 a.m.

MW noticed it first I think, though itís probably been happening for over a month.

The pulling away of OOMM.

It happens periodically that I pull away from everyone and everything. I just sort of shut down and donít particularly care for human interaction.

I can pinpoint when it started, though I wonít-here. I know why it happened this time, but there doesnít always have to be a reason.

There were a few reasons this time, now that I give it a little thought.

MW noticed it a few days ago. The funniest part is that, the day he said he noticed it was the day after I started to take my tentative steps away from it.

I had begun to engage in conversation, to initiate conversation.

Iíve found with most of the people in my life, if I donít initiate they donít bother. If I donít call, or email, or whatever, then they donít either.

It says something. And sometimes, even frequently, perhaps, I decide itís just not worth the bother.

If you ask these people they will count me among their friends.

Then ask them the last time they called me, just to say hi, or asked me to get together, just to hang out. The answer might surprise you.

Then again it may not.

Funny thing is, the people who do consistently try to engage me are the people I end up spending the least amount of time with, for a number of reasons. Itís a rough commute to just hang out and watch a movie with someone if you have to fly 5 hours to do it.

Anyway.

That was out of nowhere, and not at all what I started to talk about.

What I started to talk about was what had brought me out of my detachment phase - a new crush. Some of you know about him.

He is, naturally, someone wildly inappropriate for me to have a crush on.

You donít need a Ph.D in psychology to figure out why I chose him.

First, I canít have him. Itís so much easier to have crushes on people you canít have when the one person you belong with is unavailable to you. It would be impossible for me to invest fully in a romantic relationship because I already know whom I belong with, I just canít be with him.

The other reasons I have a crush on him have less to do with my situation and more to do with him.

Heís adorable. Put him in your pocket adorable.

His hair is blond, which is a mark against him but his BEARD (yup) is red, which of course is an enormous turn on. He is the antithesis of Trevor height-wise, which is nice.

He has baby blue eyes and strong, tan, obscenely sensual forearms. He was, at first overshadowed by one or two of the more vocal people in the group from which I know him. Over time though, his subtle wit and quiet charm have come together to help me come unglued when he enters a room. (Which he did, as if on cue, as I typed that)

I am, unsubtle, when I develop a crush. This is in opposition to when I think I may actually be falling in love. I can be pretty quiet about that.

At any rate, these type of crushes tend to make me a giggly girl type. I want to get together with the other hens and discuss him or her until no one can stand to listen to me any more.

So this crush pulled me out of my retractile state and forced me to contact others to talk and giggle and school girl it up. Funny thing is, I only meant to tell one person. I had planned it as a little test of loyalty, but I canít keep my mouth shut and so everyone with a double x around me knows. I swore two to secrecy, two need no swearing, they wonít say a word, one I didnít think of it and should have.

Whatever.

Yes, if it got out it could be uncomfortable and even perhaps slightly job threatening if this were the real world and not academic la la land, but still, whatever.

The point is how easily, at the edge of pulling away time I can be pushed back to hiding.

I made an innocent comment about his glasses, which had been broken and now are fixed. Someone else, someone who thinks Iím the mole, jumped right on me, ďwhy are you so interested in his glassesÖĒ

Shut up.

I was looking forward to dishing about him with one person in particular. Sheís not here today. Iím not here tomorrow, so the dish will have to stay hot for Thursday.

Heís pretty dishy. Iím guessing heíll even be hot on Friday, even though he wonít be here.

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