2004-07-06 - 3:52 a.m.

Last night after I arrived home from a short but fulfilling motorcycle ride (thanks baby) I watched the 10:00 news. Mostly I wanted to see how many morons had blown themselves and their loved ones up in the illegal (in my state) celebration of Independence Day. I enjoy this immensely, this concept that to celebrate being a proud citizen of this country we immediately begin with a disregard for its laws. So very American. Makes perfect sense if you’re a democrat I guess.

I was disappointed with the lack of stories about mental giants who burned down their homes so they could listen to a bang in the cloud filled sky, but vaguely amused and annoyed by the story of an elderly woman who drove her car through the ROOF of someone’s home on her way to a BBQ. A neighbor commented “She wanted her brownies out of the car and then went back to the bbq. She’s alright, she’s….elderly. Maybe I guess she shouldn’t be driving anymore.”

Maybe? You guess? I’m thinking that driving your car through the ROOF of another person’s home is right up there on the top of the list that takes away qualifying words like maybe and I guess.

That’s just me. I tend to see things in black and white. I see driving a car through the ROOF of any house as a bad thing. I get like that.

When they were done discussing this and other things of grave import such as who might be running for vice president on the democrat ticket that will be exciting enough to get the voters in Florida under the age of 90 to drive to the polls (cause the ones over 90 can’t remember how to punch a hole, or because on their way to the polls they all drove their cars into the roves (roofs?) of other Floridians-whatever the excuse will be). When all of this was done they did their special “news” segment they do every Monday night wherein a soft pedaling “reporter” “interviews” some “notable” for a half an hour.

I always shut this off. We have very different ideas as to who is “notable” this station and I. This time though, before they said the name of last night’s notable, they began showing photos of him. Starting with a baby picture. I nearly choked.

Baby Mac.

Naturally I hunkered down, wished I had stayed out longer on the motorcycle, or at least gotten drunk on the motorcycle, bit the bullet and watched.

First let me say that I will never get used to hearing the word “wife” leave his mouth.

Second, it was just so saddening, so disheartening to hear him say that he was facing his demons and then lie about it.

I faced my demons. I sat home and watched tv alone.

What?

I drank, but I couldn’t get too out of control, I had family pulling me back and keeping me grounded.

When?

When were you not out of control? When did you stop and listen to your family and your friends when they…we…said you were out of control.

When was the problem just your drinking?

Oh, I know. It was silly of me to have hoped. I did though. I guess I thought maybe as the years went by he’d stop lying to himself and everyone else about those demons and finally take them on.

Now I’m afraid it will never happen.

He’s talking about becoming a dad in a few years. I can see the hope in his eyes when he talks about it, and I bet anyone who doesn’t know him thought it was hope for a happy, healthy family, hope that he’d be a good dad and life would be nice.

Those of us who know him could see it though. The hope for a long time was that his family would save him. Then it was that I would save him. Then it became that a woman would save him. Marriage. All of those failed to change him sufficiently to stop the raging inside. Now I can see, we all can, those of us who’ve tried, that his next great hope is children. A baby will make me not want to hurt myself.

It won’t. You’ll just fuck up the baby in the meantime.

I’m glad he said years. I don’t think the wife will stick it out that long.

Unless she’s as delusional as he is. Unless she thinks a baby will help him.

Maybe she still thinks she can help him.

He’s not ready for help. Not until he admits to himself the problems that he never has. I worry that he never will.

It was depressing to watch him talk about how he has everything and that the right things have always fallen into place for him. Still playing the game.

There was a hint, a moment of honesty when he talked about the group and the time when things stopped being fun. I thought maybe….but no.

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