2004-01-27 - 3:49 p.m.

I have a reputation for being a bitch.

I have a reputation for pretty much telling people what I think whether it's kind or not.

I don't know (it's so hard to judge) whether I have a reputation for being cruel but I don't think I do.

I say mean things, but always in love, always joking and never meant to truly cut deep and cause lasting scars.

Wait, let me revise that. Sometimes I say mean things that aren't meant in love, sometimes I say mean things about people I don't like, right up in their face and I mean to be well...mean. Still I'm not talking about that scarring, searing, to the bone, need to see a therapist to get over it mean.

I don't think it's possible to say something like that to someone you hate.

You can only truly say something that devistating to someone you love, or have loved, completely and with abandon.

There has to have been a history of complete and absolute trust. The belief that neither of you would ever EVER reach a point when the other's feelings wouldn't come before your own anger.

I have made two swipes in my life that fall into this catagory.

First time: Jeff, I accused him of being the thing he was most afraid of.

It stopped us speaking for over a year and we were never quite the same after.

Second time: Jordan. I accused him of the same thing. The thing he was most afraid of and the EXACT same thing I accused Jeff of.

No. I'm not telling you what. I don't think anyone would want me to even if I were willing, which I'm not.

Jordan, to his credit pouted for about 3 minutes. This was pretty early on in our relationship. If I said the exact same thing to him today he'd laugh and tell me to screw, but back then...well, we were younger.

So in 37 years of being on this planet and being a bitch there have been two times I've chosen to cut someone to the bone. One time it took, and the damages were permanent. The next time, he learned, I learned and we moved on.

I'm coming really really really a hairsbreathclose to doing it again.

This one would be one of those ones you don't come back from. I don't want to come back from it.

This person is/was closer to me than either of those two. I could cut them that much deeper, no matter how much they pretend that I couldn't.

A word to him, if it get's back to him.

If you're still seething about me, if you're still talking about me, if you still bother to bring me up in conversation...then you still care enough for me to hurt you.

Truth in reverse.

I'm still seething, talking, bringing him up, I still care enough for him to hurt me, and he can cut me to the quick just as easily.

Only he already has, once a few months ago, and now, more recently and indirectly.

Oh certainly, as predicted, the troops are taking sides and my side is willing to shut his fat mouth.

He better hope I don't decide to join the war.

Because the things I might say, only I can say. And there isn't enough therapy in the world pal, and I promise you... if you thought the heroin comment hurt, you ain't heard nothing yet.

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