2004-08-05 - 11:04 p.m.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the day?

No, hang on. I don't mean like, have you slept long into the afternoon. Who hasn't done that?

No, I mean have you ever been going about your day and then all of a sudden had a sort of...what the hell...awareness?

Have you ever found something or someone that you connect with instantly and so powerfully that you spend hours or maybe even days trying to remember when you last experienced this person or thing because there's no way this is the first time. Does this make sense to you?

I mean, you've never been here before but you're so familiar with the landscape that you know that you have. Not deja vu. Not that. More of this, visceral reaction that feels like, YES, I remember this, this was the best thing ever, only you've never so you can't remember it?

I just had that feeling. Only I SWEAR I have experienced this life that just sort of hit me in the head, and I have, sort of, on the fringe of it, before, but I remember it in a much more full sense. I remember doing things I've never done within the framework of things that I have done.

So what is all of this?

Have I done it and blocked it?

Have I not done it but it's so right for me that I know it on a cellular level?

I dunno.

I wish I were more brave now though.

My gut is right on the edge of making a pretty dramatic change in my life, but my mind and my responsibilities tell me that I can't.

I keep thinking that there will be time later to do these things, but it's likely that there won't be. Some day I will wake up and find that I waited and now it's much too late.

I had a dream last night about something that had nothing to do with anything, not directly anyway, but it made everything crystal clear.

I'll tell you the dream, not that it will help you analyze any of this.

In the dream I agreed to apartment and dog sit for a friend of a friend in NYC. I had never met the person I was doing this for. She had 2 huge dogs, both of whom were sick and required shots and other unpleasant things. They were both very agressive. I had agreed to do it because I didn't know about the dogs illnesses and I wanted to have a place to hang alone in NYC.

When I got there though no one had shown me how to take care of the dogs and they hated me. I was afraid to leave the apartment and started to feel dizzy. I became so sick and dizzy that I called 9-1-1 and begged them to come and help, but I didn't know where I was. I passed out on the phone with them.

When they arrived and I came to they were sweet and helped with the dogs, then they said that they were bringing me somewhere I could find help.

They brought me to a mall that I dream about often, it's a large mall with twists and turns and is part school. I wandered the mall and then got pulled into a store where Matthieu waited for me.

Matt kissed me just exactly how he used to, in all the places that he used to that made me crazy, all of which can be kissed and caressed in public without causing much of a scene for those of you with your minds in the gutter.

When he did everything about what I was doing became completely clear and I knew exactly how I should live the rest of my life. I felt an overwhelming sense of home and safety and freedom and courage.

Today I came to work to find an email in my work box that gave me information I had been afraid to ask for for almost a year now.

I want to react to that email, it would be the most innocent of things. I want to do something that amounts to seeing a movie, but the subject matter of the movie, while to everyone else in the theater would seem benign, to me, just walking into the theater would be huge.

And there's so many chances to see this particular movie. And I have people who would go with me, not even knowing my alterior motive, and it's minutes from my home, and yet, I just can't imagine my going. But my gut can't imagine not going because this movie is my door in the back of the wardrobe.

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