2006-02-21 - 11:17 a.m.

It's been so long I can't believe I even remember how to log in. I'm gonna do a real diary entry after this (if the net holds out long enough) but first I'm gonna throw Chapter 21 of Fix up here in case anyone wants to read it.

I usually post new chapters to Fanfiction.net (see the link on the left saying that it will take you to my CSI fanfiction) but it refused to load a new chapter today and the last time it did this it took almost a week to fix, so...if you want to read this from the begining follow that link on the left and choose FIX.

Those directed here for FIX Chapter 21 Start here

She took some deep breaths. Closing her eyes Sara thought about what Dr. Case would say. What questions would she would ask later when Sara told her this?

Tears stung at her eyes but she blinked them away. It was stupid to cry over this. He was a guy that she liked. He had a history before he met her. Someone from his past was here visiting. These were the only facts she had. She reminded herself not to create stories that reflected any meaning that wasn’t evidentiary.

In remarkably short time she was calm again and ready to work. When she reentered the evidence room Grissom was holding the small black jewelry box in his fingers, congratulating Nick. Her resolve lapsed momentarily as her heart contracted, but she pressed on.

When the supervisor suggested everyone get back to their tasks Nick stopped in the door way and caught Sara’s eye, “Call me if you want.” He held his fingers to his ear and mouth like a phone.

She smiled in response and returned to her scope.

Casual, “Everything okay with your friend?”

“Her sister’s at Desert Springs, it’s been a rough few days. Those fibers a match?”

“Probably. I’m sorry about your friend’s sister. She gonna be alright?”

“I think so.” His tone was light.

Grissom reached for a cover slip for the slide he was creating, Sara fed it into his hand without looking up from her work. She adjusted her weight from her left foot to her right; he leaned on his right arm on the bench beside her. She removed the specimen from the stage; he slid the next one into place. The ballet of forensics continued, not appreciated by all, but when mastered a thing of beauty.

XXX

“So today I found out that Grissom was engaged before.” Sara dropped to the worn spot on the sofa and wondered if it was beginning to mold to her own specific shape.

“It stands to reason, a man of his age. Did you find out why they weren’t married?” Dr. Case had to be on her game with Sara. Some of her patients would be in the room for five minutes before they settled into a seat, another twenty before they warmed up enough to talk about anything more than the weather. Sara walked in ready to roll.

“She moved home to take care of a sick sister or something. Only now she and her sick sister are in Vegas. That’s the woman from the other day, borrowing his car.”

Adjusting her blouse around her bulky middle Dr. Case waited for Sara to continue. When the younger woman was silent much longer than usual she probed. “When you found out, what did you do?”

“I left the room, fought back some tears…” Here Sara looked at Dr. Case and smiled, “thought of what you would say, and pulled it together. That’s it really.”

“What were the tears for?”

Sara fought against the painful lump forming in her throat. “It was my last secret shred of self preservation, that his rejection wasn’t about me, but that he was incapable of…” she waved away the rest of the sentence and turned on the sofa, resting her face against the cloth.

“Perhaps it was because of her rejection that he became resistant to relationships.”

“Well now she’s back to fix all that I guess so hooray for him.”

“Maybe, but whether he’s incapable, or just not interested in having that type of relationship with you, for whatever reason Sara, that doesn’t make you any less worthy of a woman. That’s the thing we’re working for here, that’s what’s going to save your life. The shred of self preservation should come from an understanding that whether he is ready to marry the next girl he meets or incapable of feeling close to another person ever again, none of those things are about you.”

“That’s what I told myself. Intellectually I believe it, it’s just hard to internalize.”

“No, it’s easy. What’s hard is ending the addiction to being broken. “

“I’m trying. I catch myself, which is new. I’m more aware. I feel like I’m making progress, but the surprising thing is that it’s easier to think in a new way when something goes…I don’t want to say wrong, but when something happens that would have made me unhappy before. When something I would have found a way to make myself wrong over happens, I’m learning to step back and say, that’s his stuff, not mine. It’s when he says something that could be construed as flirtatious that it’s so tempting to slip back into my old ways.”

“To cling to feeling good about yourself because he acknowledged something positive in you?”

“Yes.”

“Feeling good about positive feedback is human Sara, I’m not asking you to ignore it. I’m saying that you shouldn’t sail on the heights of joy when he smiles at you and plunge to the depths of despair when he doesn’t.”

“I guess I’m catching myself there too. Yesterday not long after our shift ended we got a call that a db that might be connected to our case had shown up at this motel. We both went out there, worked the room pretty much most of the morning and then, right before I was about to drive away he tells me that he doesn’t see me as broken, but he misses my smile. I admit, I got that feeling, that elation, right away, but I stepped back from it. Every time my mind went to play it back for me to embellish and build a fantasy on I told myself that he meant exactly what he meant and that was all.”

“That he cares about your happiness?”

“I think that’s what he meant, don’t you? He said that’s why he insisted on my therapy. I mentioned the other day that it was working, I think, but that I wasn’t fixed or anything.”

“Is that what you think will happen, that I’ll fix you?”

“No, but I will, maybe, with your guidance.”

The doctor shook her head, “You’re still claiming to be broken then.”

Sara chewed her lip for a moment, “Okay, not fixed, how about fine tuned.”

The doctor smiled, “I think that’s something we can do.”

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