2005-11-02 - 4:51 p.m.

If you didn't see the adventure of Splink, Richard and OOMM go to the movies you need to go back one.

This relates to that, but it's the EMO file of the evening, as opposed to the play by play.

I'm guessing this will be the bit that is of less interest to you, but I like to have these things here so I can look back on them later and see how my feelings have changed (or stayed the same).

I did forget to mention that Splink and I tried to call Charley back on the way home last night (when it would have been nearly 5am his time) but his cell phone was off (imagine!) and so we left a message slagging him off.

I thought he'd call back early today but it turns out he had "junk" today so he's finally gotten back to me now.

I'm sort of sorry I was smarmy on his voice mail now. You see, when he called, at the time that I thought he knew I'd be in the movie, he had his time wrong and thought I'd be getting out of it.

He said he called to make sure I was okay.

He fully expected me to be in tears.

It isn't easy, you see.

There are layers of things that make seeing something like we saw last night difficult.

The top layer is that in the past I'd have been right there with them when that was made. It brought back many fond memories of many nights on the road, and even more fond memories of rehersals before we ever hit the road.

It makes me sad, on some level, that I can't be that person anymore. Like most people I suppose, I had more freedom when I was younger, less responsibility. It was lovely to be able to have the experience, but I crave it now still.

What is most difficult is not being able to go back. I could run off on the road now, but it would never be the same. I would have immense guilt for the things I was not taking care of at home.

Plus, the dimentions of my relationships with the boys have changed.

Dramatically in some cases.

Layer two.

Sometimes missing Charley is like a full time career. He called me his "phantom limb" on the phone just now and that speaks it pretty well (he was always better with the words than I).

It's an ache you can't touch, it's something that's part of you and just not there. You learn to function without it and sometimes you forget it all together, but you miss it with a depth you never knew possible

I've spoken before about how it gets easier when we see less of one another and is most difficult when we've had time to settle in to our rhythm and then are torn apart.

This past year we've seen each other more than we have since I was on the tour, there has been much coming together and ripping apart and I'm begining to feel like well worn velcro.

It was fun to watch him last night. He was in good voice and looked pretty tasty. He was having a good time and that was fun to see. I missed being there for it, but it wasn't painful.

When they'd close in on his eyes however, it became painful.

I can watch him at play and not crave him, practice has made me proficient, but don't ask me to look into his eyes if I can't sleep in his arms. That is torture of the highest order.

Layer 3

The Tin Man.

I told Splink on the way home (because I do so love analogies) that seeing Nick was like having a pretty bad burn.

It hurt like hell, and when you touch it it hurts worse.

The thing that makes it almost bearable is seeing Charley. He's like the balm.

Nick...burn...Charley...balm...over and over and over.

The few shots when I could look at Nick's eyes hurt me less than the numerous shots of his hands.

When Nick and I were together, the last time he was here, I was so worried about his health, most specifically about his heart.

I would sleep with my head on his chest, listening to the beat of his ailing heart. When I sleep I curl my fist under my chin.

Nick would hold my hand and it too would end up tucked beneath my chin. When I woke I would find his hand invariably resting against his chest, near my face, and when he'd realize I was awake he would caress my cheek and kiss the top of my head.

Every shot of his hands last night burned a little hotter.

I had a dream last night that I was at a hotel with Charley and the boys were doing a concert. I went into the hall, thinking they had left and ran directly into Nick.

He was surprised I was there.

I told him I thought he'd be gone by now or I wouldn't have come out.

He asked why I was hiding.

I said, because I didn't want this.

He asked, Is this so bad?

I was shaking, I was close to vomiting, just standing close to him and not being with him, knowing the things I didn't want to know about him...

Yes, I said, this is so bad. If the wizard ever gives you your heart you might understand why.

When I woke up I couldn't shake the vision of Nick as the tin man from my mind.

I told Charley. Charley said that he and I need a long talk about Nick.

I asked for a hint about as to the flavor of the conversation he had brewing and he said, "I think you've got the wrong end of the stick on this one, darling."

What in the name of all things Nightboat does that mean?

click here to add to the 2 comments so far

previous - next

about me - read my profile! Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!