2005-01-11 - 4:04 p.m.

I am definately going to lose it.

You know how I am once in awhile prone to talking about how much I miss smoking?

If I ever needed a ciggarette its now.

Toward the end of last week it began to look like the person who was supposed to be crunching the numbers and running the stats for a project I've devoted most of my time to since April was not going to have what I needed finished in time for me to get an abstract written or the final report started.

Because of that I worked like a dog all weekend, in between finding out that Annie had died and talking to her family and friends and trying to deal with my family and all the rest.

I came to work yesterday when I should have been dealing with her death, and I submerged myself in numbers and graphs.
I did the same when I got home last night and when I got to work today.

I was missing part of the data set which was known only to the genius on the South Shore who was doing this number crunching. I asked him for it repeatedly to no avail and just 10 minutes ago put together a final draft of an abstract written for the half of the data I could get my hands on.

Two seconds after I handed Dobie the abstract and thought maybe I'd get out of here on time and still possibly make it to the bank I check my email and have received the graphs for the data set that I would need to do the entire thing.

Not the data mind you. Not NUMBERS which would be useful. Graphs. So now, I have what I could kill myself to use and fix what's missing and make the report complete, sort of. Which means I'll have to, because the evil one will get here in about 15 minutes and pitch a regular fit if I don't.

This is why when T.L. died I went crazy and sat on his grave for a year and a half. NO one asked me to crunch a number then, no way. Everyone just tried to pry my fingers out of the dirt and distract me with shiny stuff. All in all I'd say completely losing your mind wins out over holding it together every fucking time.

I'd just like to add that I lost my internet connection while typing this...because that's they way it's supposed to be.

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