2004-10-27 - 11:56 a.m.

A warning about this entry: When I started writing it I thought it would be more emotional and less a commentary, but really I can't help but comment on what I'm watching, it was my job for so long. I'm guessing this entry will be the most fun for Splink and the Boys but the rest of you should read and memorize it as well just like you do everything I say.
And now:

I wish that I had my laptop with me today so that I could do two things at once, but I donít. Maybe I couldnít anyway. I probably couldnít look away.

Iíve listened now to the new cd, Astronaut, nearly all the way through. Iíll explain the nearly another time. Iíll discuss the cd in another entry, maybe today, maybe not.

The thing is that, Iíve had it for quite awhile now and Iíve just got around to listening because I knew Iíd hate it. With the cd is a dvd, a sort of Sing Blue Silver for the new crowd if you will.

I realize those of you who donít know me are lost(ish). Bear with me if you can stand it, you donít have to know all the players to follow along with the feelings.

I didnít want to watch the dvd for two reasons. A. I didnít want to be sucked in. Itís so simple for me to get pulled right back into that world, surround myself with it mentally and then long for it physically. Itís been reoffered to me and would be simple to take except that every single thing in my life forbids it. B. Him. I didnít want to look at him. Iím fine about him as long as I donít hear his name, or his voice or his words, or see him in any way.

** A note for those of you who don't know who he is, if you go back in my diary, I can't tell you dates, I don't remember, but if you go back to alot of entries about Nick and getting back together despite our better judgement and then a bunch of venomous entries about arm candy and barbie dolls...well, that's him.

I gave in finally today. I need a distraction, and itís Charleyís birthday. So I came to work, knowing Iíd be the only one here for an hour or so, and popped in the dvd. Iím a few minutes in and itís Önearly indescribable. Every time he is on the screen Iím awash with anxiety. He burns holes in the lining of my stomach. They match the ones he left further north.

How poetic. Charl will like that. But if he is the acid, Charley is the antacid, the balm that cools the fire and soothes me. I wish I could impress on each of you how real this is, how palpable. In the same 2 seconds, literally, I can see him and have alarms going off in my head and fire in my belly and then see Charl and feel this complete serenity.

He looks great, by the way. It would be so much easier to take if he looked like hell, harder to take if he looked sick but instead he looks devastating. Or maybe it just seems that way when he stands next to the living dead (yeah, John, Iím looking at you when I say that).

A break from the emotional report card to say, as I watch, what exactly is the point of each audience shot being of men? ďLook how the guys we talked into wearing Fedoraís have forgiven us?Ē or is it just to keep John happy that the boys still worship him?

Anyone ever notice how Andyís tongue is just too big for his mouth? And when did Mr. ĎRock And Roll the fuck with all this pretty boy messí start getting his nails polished exactly?

Do you know what the best part of this is? Seeing the joy in Charleyís face. He is eating all of this up. I think itís because John is back by his side. He missed the hell out of him and this is like ice cream. I love that glint in his eyes that you can see and just know that there is delicious deviation hiding right behind.

I wondered if he finds it difficult to vogue behind the microphone now that heís been sent back to the shadows? Seems not.

Gee, everyoneís standing outside Johnís door trying to get him onstage. I remember those days. Iíve told you, those of you that Iíve told about such things, Iíve told you about how it used to be to get John anywhere, and now you can watch other people try, what great fun.

Yasmin my beloved. You know that I think you are perfection personified but would it kill you to eat a roll? Have a biscuit, Iím begging you.

Oh My God! The fall of Milan right here in my office. I do believe he is wearing the same shirt that he wore Öoh, no, the stripes are wavy, I see that now. False alarm, you can all relax.

Hungry Like the Wolf. JustÖwhy? When you did the acoustic version you should have let that be the last time you ever did it. That was the best that song has ever been and now itís a parody. I donít care if itís what the fans think they want, if the fans knew what worked theyíd be on the stage. (Wow, how many times have I said that in meetings). Oh, look, here goes Charl, getting ready to jump of the stage after the howlÖI havenít even seen it, I donít need to watch it to know whatís coming. Thatís parody kids, I guess the cartoon opening should have been a tip off.

Hmmm, New Kids On The Block used to start a stage show with cartoons of themselves too.

New week on Surreal Life Simon le Bon takes the piss out of Facts of Lifeís Tootie for drinking the last of the skim milkÖ

Oh, and now Iíve watched the jump. He got all of 3 inches off the floor. Imagine me shaking my head sadly.

Whew. Okay, thereís a moment, if youíre watching along itís during Hungry right after Charl sings ďMan now Iím lost and now Iím foundĒ He does this look right into the camera, Iíve had to freeze it. I wish I could screen cap it, if someone out there has the ability to screen cap and has this dvd Iím begging youÖthis look is the exact look that makes me want to punch his face in. This is the ďIím done discussing this, Iím sick of dealing with you, Iím too pretty for this conversation and youíre boring meĒ face.
This is the face that Charley calls the ďNick needs another bottle of wineĒ face. This is the face that begs me to break out into ďLittle Bunny Foo FooĒ just so I can see the anger fully bust out of it.
OH HOLY CRAP, that shirt!!! Can someone bring me my shades? Iím blinded. Did the Barbie buy you that pink monstrosity? And that ring? Oh dear.

And now heís doing Mr. Humphries impersonations. Itís almost too much to take.

Hereís where Iím stopping. Iím going to have to watch this in bits and pieces, itís too much all at once.

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