2006-10-03 - 4:06 p.m.

Every day without a new America's Next Top Model episode is like a day without sunshine.

I'm an addict. I've turned to the internet to feed my Jay Manuel addiction.

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I think what it is about him is that his eyes remind me of Matthew's. Plus he's got a rockin body.

I can hear your thoughts...he's gay, that rocking body would do you NO good. Well you can just hush with that because my gay boyfriends have been some of the best boyfriends I've ever had, and not just because they'll do my hair and iron my clothes.

Matthew may have been the most physically affectionate man I've ever had in my life.

Anyway, I've taken to watching Canada's Next Top Model on You Tube because occasionally Jay shows up there, plus I'm stalking my student Mae because she has digital cable so she get's the style network.

Jay has a show on there called Style Her Famous which I'm certain is as stupid as it sounds but I don't care because the home page for it brought me this tiny but so tasty pic:

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I've tried blowing it up but it pixilates. Anybody finds me a nice big version of that I'll love you forever.

The fact that it's tuesday so NCIS is on tonight doesn't even excite me. I taped Runaway last night so I could look at Don and cry today but that's not doing it either. I must have more ANTM, more Jay manuel and I must have it NOW.

Funny, driving to work this morning I was thinking that I might diary today about how things can seem so different with a little distance behind them because I was thinking about this guy once who dragged me through his house by the hair and how it was the sexiest thing ever but my thoughts about it now are so different than my thoughts about it then. I still don't have the reaction I know most people expect when they hear me say what he did, because I know, for both of us, there was nothing abusive about it, this guy wouldn't hurt me if his life depended on it.

You know, now that I've started talking about it I've decided I don't want to. It's one of those moments that are very personal and while I don't normally mind sharing personal stuff here, that one just feels so perfect I don't want to mess with it by dissecting it now.

By the way, you should all leave a comment in my comment box telling Wendiloo that you love her. In fact what you should do is leave her a completely random comment and sign it "with love". Please don't let the fact that you've never met Wendi and know nothing about her slow you down. Wendi is all about the random love.


With Love,


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