2004-06-22 - 11:46 a.m.

The Evil one bought me flowers.

This is the thing about him. He can be an ass, but he knows he's an ass and can be dealt with.

He learns.

He connects.

The KOI...well.

He came in today and didn't speak to me until I spoke to him. It was some sort of childish game of if you're going to be mad at me then I'm going to be mad at you. Every time I entered the room he turned his back.

I ignored him. I treated him like I do every day and then he became all gee we're best pals.


We aren't.

I hate you to the very core of my soul.

I laid awake in my bed last night in pain I haven't felt since TL died and Tom was making my life miserable at work and at home.

When all of that went down I thought I was having an aneurysm. It felt that way last night. I don't sleep, but I do black out.

The stress is amazing. Now it's like having an aneurysm in installments. I get the headaches, I feel dizzy, I get tunnel vision and occasionally everything goes black.

Nausea, let's not forget that too.

At 4 this morning it took 10 minutes of massage to make my jaw unlock.

I'm starting to let it go. It's a slow process. What was stressing me out the most was the possibility of a conversation with the KOI in which he would want to "talk about the tension between us".

I don't want to have that talk. The concept of that talk makes me want to quit. I'd much rather just pretend like everything is fine.

This isn't how I would normally deal with something. I don't mind conflict, I don't mind difficult conversations. I'm fine with being a hard ass if I need to be. The problem is that I hate talking and knowing that I'm wasting my breath.

I resent having a boss who cannot handle me. Having a boss who is not intelligent enough, reasonable enough, logical enough, interested enough and strong enough to make wise decisions and then enforce them.

I am not a jellyfish, I can not work for a jellyfish.

Let's here it for the Vertebrates!

That's the thing that makes the stress so intense. The knowledge that this situation has no resolution beyond my acceptance of poor management.

Knowing now that the opportunity for that conversation has passed, mostly, I will begin to destress some. I will still hate him, I will still hate coming here, but I don't think I'll have to pull over by the side of the road so I don't black out while I'm driving after today.

At least I hope not. Today I still feel wrong, dizzy, woozy, in pain. It's probably from all the crying and sleeplessness.

Thank God I have Wendiloo coming to whip me (wish I were exaggerating there) in to shape this week.

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