2004-05-12 - 4:05 p.m.

Matt just told me he always loved me. NOt friendship loved me, LOVED me.

I knew it, of course, but for some reason, just having it so...out of context, made me cry.

Er. that was not at all what this entry was meant to be about.

How to begin...

I am frequently in control, or if not in control, what's the word...responsible. There we have it.

I am responsible for the well being of people, for things running smoothly, for everyone being as happy as possible. At home, at work, whatever.

This is why, given a situation where I have complete trust (not given lightly) I prefer to be submissive.

I'm rarely submissive in a complete sense. I will frequently, in my homelife submit my will to someone elses but still retain responsibility for that persons will being followed through.

I don't know if anyone who reads this diary will understand the dynamics I'm talking about. I'm talking now in the dominant submissive lifestyle frame of mind.

So these things balance I guess I'm trying to say, and while most people probably see me as dominant most of the time I have not chosen to completely dominate in years. It's alot of work and I haven't found anyone worth that kind of time.

Until now.

I have found someone that I so completely want to dominate. I want this person as my sub, as my slave, in the most real "lifestyle" sense of the word. It makes me feel ways I haven't felt in years.

And I've told this person. I've told this person that they fascinate me, that I intend to study them and operate them and they asked me to yes, please do that.

I'm certain that they have no idea what I mean, what the full bearing of that would be, but I also know that they do not turn away from the intensity of my gaze. I know that when I look at her she feels me, measuring, judging, deciding how next to manipulate her, and while she confesses to me that it frightens her, she does not turn away from it. She instead seems drawn to it.

I may end up showing her things she never knew about herself, or just allowing her the things she always suspected.

Or perhaps she will at some point give in to the fear and all will be lost, but that's the real thrill of it, to see how far you can take it without that happening.

Hold on kids, it's going to damn interesting.

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