2004-01-27 - 2:24 p.m.

Insecurity feeds itself.


Put down the Suzy Q's.

Drop that Ben and Jerry's.

It not only feeds itself, but it spreads like a virus.

Infectious Insecurity.

It can kill things that would otherwise be pretty close to perfect.

We all know someone who's done it. You're in a relationship and it's really good. You're happy, at least you think you are. Then that other person gets jealous about some other aspect of your life.

It could be that you work too much, or you're online too much, or it could be a friend or an ex that they're worried about. Whatever it is, they're insecure about where they fit in the pyramid of your life in relationship to that thing.

The twisted thing is, if they hadn't brought that thing into it, that thing might have come and gone, a phase, something new to play with and then forget about while you get on with the business of living and loving.

The more they talk about it though, the more you think about it, and the more you think about it, the more you may realize how much it means to you and just what you would give up for it. You begin turning over in your mind why you are so drawn to that thing.

Soon you're thinking that that thing is really pretty great.

Then you start to realize that maybe the reason that the person you are with is so jealous of that thing is because maybe they don't have as much to offer as that thing does.

At first you discount that thought because after all, you love the person you're with and that's why you're with them.

And if, if at that point the person you're involved with can just leave it alone already then you can still probably just let it waft gently into the past.

If on the other hand the person you're involved with cannot leave it alone already then that thing can become the thing you guard closely and that you start to cherish as your one little thing you can have away from the person you are with who is quickly becoming a pain in the ass about that thing.

You begin to realize that if the person you're with doesn't trust you then maybe you don't have the relationship you thought you did.

And then the crumble begins.

I once had a friend who made a long diary entry about being in a bag and being thrown off a cliff and having someone else in that bag with you.

Everybody he knew thought they knew the story of the bag and who was in the bag with him.

One person knew. Everyone else was off by a million miles, but they were right too, because it wasn't just one person with him in that bag, it was a whole lifetime worth of people at various times.

This entry is like that. There are 2 maybe 3 people who will know my original intent. The rest of you (if you care enough) will guess incorrectly.

But you're not wrong.

It's about that too.

It's about the times I was the nagger. It's about the times I was the naggee.

It's probably about you, if I know you.

And the two people it's really for?

Oh, believe me, they aren't guessing. They know.

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