We all know what a team player I am right?

We all know that I wake up in the morning and sing little songs about the sunshine whilest bluebirds put bows in my hair.

We know there is nothing that I am more dedicated to than random other people because I LOVE PEOPLE and want to belong to their little groups and work dilligently to come up with ways to help stupid people be saved from their own stupidity right?

This has to be my reputation because I've been "asked" (by which I mean enslaved) by the grand poobah of the mafia (by which I mean the President of the College) to be a "Building Co-ordinator" for my building.

Let me quote to you what this means:
building coordinator in case of a significant event on campus or in the area. Such an event could be weather related, power outage, civil unrest or other situations that may require our combined attention.

Civil unrest? I knew the Salem witches were just biding their time before they rise up and take their city back.

Anyway, all of this is about as amusing as the fact that I was railroaded into being on the department Saftey Committee until I spent the entire first meeting saying that anyone who wore gloves to work with the same fricking chemical I use to take my nail polish off with should be shot in the head and that if little miss goody two shoes (who pressed for all this new saftey crap when she got her new job even though she used to be normal before she started working over in brain sucking central) ordered protective eye goggles for my students to wear when working with chemicals that I used to set my sandwiches down on while I was eating lunch I would burn them in a spectacular fire by first turning on all of the oxygen spickets in the lab and then using a blow torch to ignite them.

We haven't had another saftey meeting since. Or, at least I didn't get my invitation.

I did get a few pair of saftey goggles which I sent back to the company and told them were ordered in error and asked for a barrel of formaldahyde in their stead.

I also got an invitation this morning to the first building co-ordinator meeting.

My excitement is barely containable.

This was the first line of the email in bold 40something font:

I
Belong

Now you've got me, cause I hate not belonging. Boy if there's anything I've ever craved in my life it was belonging. Especially to this group.

Especially after being...well, they say it best:

You are cordially invited to attend an introductory session with members of the Department of Public Safety. After our brief meeting you can honestly answer, �I Belong�

I can say it honestly after this?

See, I spent 4 years in school here, and since graduation I've worked here for another 6 and a half, but if I go to this meeting to find out how to react and save my fellow man in the face of natural disaster (like say how we lose the internet and the roof leaks every time it rains) THEN I can HONESTLY say I belong.

So I get something for the investment of my time, but that's not all. I mean, I did have some concern that perhaps I'm not qualify to deal with disasters such as the lights going off but then I got to this line:

Now you ask, what can you possibly do in the event of an emergency? Join us and the answers will become amazingly clear.

Maybe it's just me but anytime someone tells me that they can make the answers "amazingly clear" if I join them I know someone's going to offer me Kool Aid.

As if the promise of refreshing Kool Aid didn't fill me with enough anticipation the closing line of this email actually gave me goosebumps. I promise,it did. Either that or the flesh was making a last ditch attempt at leaving my body so it wouldn't have to be a party to the whole thing:

Please bring your thinking cap and enthusiasm.

I don't even think my sarcasm is vast enough to comment on that.

I shared the email with one of my students and she immediately began to wiggle with glee in her seat.

"We're SO making you a thinking cap!" she exclaimed.

And then I started thinking of how I could cover one of those hollow plastic pumpkins kids use for trick or treating with contact paper and stencil on the word: "ENTHUSIASM" and fill it with little nips of vodka and Tattoo Rum to be carried with me.

Yup. I think I've got this meeting covered.

Hope they don't forget to invite me to the next one.

click here to add to the 9 comments so far

previous - next