2006-05-08 - 12:36 p.m.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank CBS publicly (and yeah, I'll thank them in a nice little email too, maybe send them a basket of muffins or something) for not putting any of their promotional budget behind NCIS.

Oh, I know you think I'm being sarcastic but I'm not. I've given this some thought.

You can't swing a dead cat without hearing or seeing some sort of promotion about CSI, CSI:Miami, CSI:New York, CSI: Your Uncle Bob's Dirty Hamper.

They promoted the crap out of the LAST FOUR EPISODES OF THE SEASON for CSI. I've seen two of the four and do you know what I come away thinking? I come away thinking that the writers and producers of CSI are chuckling to themselves and calling their most obsessive ardent fans suckers.

I couldn't get the visual out of my head last thursday night of Carol M. sitting back, thinking of what had been said on the forums, what would be said on the forums and chuckling to herself. Suckers, suckers, suckers...it rang over and over again in my head.

See Carol hates the viewers because the viewers are smarter than she is. The viewers actually remember what happened in season one. The viewers know that Grissom has a Ph.D not only a B.S. like it said on the website for so many years.

The viewers know that Sara would never say something like "Can the love be real if the flowers aren't?"

Viewers can tell when scripts are being written like fan fic from a 15 year old.

The thing Carol hates most is that most viewers aren't nearly as dazzled by Marg Helgenbergers tits as Carol is.

See, she just wants to sit home and write YoBling! fic. You know she does.

Sadly, the fans keep asking for storylines that are interesting.

Maybe they think if they promote it as really great we'll just think it was because they said it was.

Even more sadly? A bunch of people will.

You can make people feel smart by letting them know that you based one weeks episode on some old movie so if they're a movie buff they feel extra cool and won't notice how none of the dialog in any of that part of the episode actually fit the characters of the show.

You can make them feel super smart and sleuthish by giving them a photo based on an old lithograph so that they can feel cool that they know the old lithograph and the meanings of light and shade and windows and eyes. You can get them to look at where every shadow falls when you know that the only thing in the photo that means anything is that someone is dead (fairly obviously) and someone else isn't wearing a ring.

You can make them so crazy that they will start seeing letters in the sky or black eyes where there is only bad lighting.

We'll know the truth. The truth is, the writing stopped being good years ago and you're running out of razzle dazzle.

So thanks for not promoting NCIS. Because without you it stays in the top 10. Without you I look forward to every episode and enjoy characters that I know will interact in a real and amusing way, not some existential play. I won't feel pandered to, I won't feel talked down to, and I won't feel like a sucker.

Do me a favor. Stick to ruining the Bruckheimer shows huh?

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