2005-10-21 - 12:04 p.m.


Halloween color/picture change. Like it?

Before I forget, let me thow this out there, and I warn you, it has nothing to do with anything else...

Did anyone catch CSI last night?

First: What is this The Season Of Nick? Don't get me wrong, he's not been insufferable yet, and it's miles better than the season of Catherine, but still...damn it...

Second: And more importantly, who did Jorja Fox piss off on the crew to be lit so miserably? She looked 60 years old. And not hot Rod Stewart 60 either.

AND Lastly: NO new episode next week?
What're they making 6 new episodes a season now?


That's not what today is about. I'm not entirely sure where today is going to take us but I have some vague ideas of things I want to talk about.

You know how when I get a new obsession I'm like a dog with a bone...or like my dog with a little tiny piece of paper...don't ask me why, he loves little tiny pieces of paper and will clamp down on them and not let go for anything.

I digress.

The latest obsession, which if you've been paying even the most remote amount of attention you are surely aware is this tasty specimen:

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and one more just cause I love lookin at him

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I showed this picture

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of him as himself and as Candi the drag goddess to a couple of people and I can't tell you how many people had the same reaction...used the exact same words:

"There's your slave."

Everyone seems to think he'd be the perfect slave for me.

I'm not so sure.

What makes a perfect slave depends on the trainer's need and what I need in a slave is someone that I can polish.

This is a boy who needs no polish.

No. Jay Manuel is not a slave for me. This is a boy I would fall deeply in love with and probably never get over. On some level I would always want him to be with me even after we've had our last slapfest and taken our last low shots.

Because he has that thing that I find irresistable.

He's very shiny, very FABULOUS DARLING and very quick with the snark, but when you scrub away the disturbingly orange foundation and see the freckles and the too wide nose and the much too large mouth...when you ignore the perfectly arched brows and look into those deep brown eyes?

This is a broken boy. This is a boy who is terrified that people are going to find out he's a fraud. This is a boy who is certain that he is magnificent only by association but somehow slipped through the cracks and must spend every moment perpetuating the facade.

There is huge stuff just below the skin of this blooming onion and I want to peel him more than I want my next breath.

I've said this before but it bears repeating, I am compelled and attracted by beautiful things that are twisted and broken and ugly inside.

Do I want to fix him?

Dammit, I want to say no. I want to dispell the easy connection that women want to fix men, change them.

The Bug calls it the "Reformation Gene" and I have long held my ground that it is missing in me, that I take men as I find them and usually love them for their flaws more than their strengths.

On one level that's true. I don't want to "babysit my spouse" like we talked about yesterday. Yet I seek out partners and obsessions who are broken.

So maybe I'm in that "need to be needed" catagory?

We all are to some extent I suppose.

(why instead of need to be needed do I hear in my head 'Ways To Be Wicked' when I look at Jay? God Bless the Cowboy Junkies)

The problem is, when you get these fixer uppers and instead of keeping them as a slave you chose instead to make them a mate there are only two ways it can go.

The first way is you leave them the way they are and eventually begin to resent the fact that they aren't as strong as you are.

The second way is that you change them, mold them, give them the confidence to be all the things you know they can be. And then they leave you. Happens every time.

It can't work.

Why then do I think that Jay as a slave would be a mistake? Why would I fall for him, knowing the traps stated above?

It's hard to work out, it's hard to explain.

He reminds me so much of Matthieu (the one person who ever left my life that I missed so much I ached until I hunted him down. We talked for a few months and now he's disappeared again).

Matthieu was many of the things that Jay is, on a smaller scale. When I looked into his eyes I saw the same things. He has the same mannerisms, the same phrasing and cadence when he speaks.

Beyond just that "club gay" thing...deeper than that.

I never changed Matthieu purposefully, I was stronger than he was in some ways and he was stronger than I in others. We changed one another because of our deep love for one another.

Feeling that loved changes you, it just does.

It can hurt you deeper than anything else too, and we did that, but unlike any other relationship I've had (and by relationship I include friendships...any relationship, not just romantic) even when we hurt each other, even when we cut each other with betrayal of trust, because of that betrayal and not in spite of it, we understood the depth of our love more.

I think it might be a unique thing to gay men and straight (ish) women.

I have seen the relationship time and again in those parameters, but never outside of them.

My knee jerk assessment was that when you took the lust out of it then you could trust the other persons intentions more, but that's not it. It can't be because I was attracted to him, eventually, and he was to me.

So what then?

I don't know.

Is it perhaps because there is nothing to lose? Is it because there is no need to play against each other for the upper hand in the relationship? Is it that neither of us is busy protecting ourselves from being rejected by the other because rejection is implied just in our self assigned sexual roles?

That's probably part of it.

Jay was asked about why gay men and supermodels are always a good fit and he said that it's because gay men love strong confident women.

Maybe that's part of it too. Maybe we don't feel like we need to conceal our strength in order to make them feel more like men.

See, who knew? I thought this was going to end up being about one of two things, either whether or not I wanted to take on a new slave, or my financial situation (bad) as it relates to whether I have an obsession or not (it does, I spent 1/2 of my weeks alloted cash on the dvd of SEason One of ANTM on the way to work this morning).

E-beth, I know you have some experience here with the gay best friend thing...share...please.

Anyone else?

This is a subject that fascinates me endlessly.

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