2005-10-03 - 3:36 p.m.

This morning (which just slurred together in my head so much that I nearly typed this smorning) after the dog woke me up to let him go outside and I couldn't go back to sleep because every time I tried I had this recurring snippet that's not really a dream but like a list I recited in my head, like when you're studying for an exam before bed and you end up doing the same crap in your head all night?

Yeah, except this snippet was a list of the photos that my boyfriend Ty Pennington and I had to shoot for our layout in People Magazine and what I had to wear for each one and blah.

Like I'd EVER do People Magazine.

Vanity Fair or bust I say.


I was awake and I had all these ideas about what I would write about today, like how I wasn't scared at all when I was so drunk at the celtic rally when I was 20...I was blind drunk, and it never really occured to me until this morning that I could have been killed, raped, taken home and kept as a slave, any damn thing could have happened to me that day because I had NO control, but that thought never occured to me until this morning...and this was...what? 19 years ago.

Shit I'm old.

I was also thinking about how I used to wear my hair all feathered onto my face. I have no pictures of myself from then, but this:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

is pretty close, only further on the face, and I have much tinier features. Well, to scale. I don't have tinier features than the drawing.

That would be absurd.

Anyway, I was thinking about how I wore my hair like that for a really long time, but I don't remember it being in style at all. I have no idea what made me think it was a good idea. I just remember that one day at radio school (it was broadcasting school but that takes too long to type, I mean, not as long as typing radio school first and then going back to explain that it wasn't really just radio school but in fact broadcasting school when in reality nobody cares that much and this entry already has way too many words but whatever because there's lots more coming so buckle up them eyeglasses pal cause ole OOMM is wordy today) I was in the ladies room and I don't remember why but Jeff was sort of there with me.

Okay, he wasn't in the ladies room. He was in the hall but it wasn't so much a school building as an old brownstone so the ladies room was more like just a bathroom, so I had the door propped open so that I could chat with Jeff while I fixed my hair I guess.

Now Jeff was one of those guys who didn't really do a lot of complimenting, and he didn't always tell you what he was thinking, in short, he had a penis.

So I'm brushing my hair in the mirror and I took all the feathery stuff that normally sat on my face, we're talking over my cheeks and just sort of framing my nose, and pushed it back with the brush. Before I could curl the brush into the hair and pull it back onto my face Jeff leaned into the bathroom and grabbed my hand.

"Wait...you have...a FACE!"

"Shut up."

"No, seriously, I want to look at it. You have an actual face."

He said it in absolute wonder.

I pulled my hair back to my nose and told him to shut up again but soon after I started wearing my hair pulled back just a bit more.

Again, this was like, 19 years ago. In all these years I've always thought that Jeff was pleased with my face, somewhere in the words he didn't say I heard, "a pretty face" or " a beautiful face".

But he never said that.

And this morning as I was thinking about that moment, which had been so special to me for all those years, I started to think about the way Jeff would tell me things that weren't so good. He'd sort of backdoor them, he'd make them about someone else, or he'd make a point about how the opposite of something was so good instead of telling me he didn't like something.

(This was early on, years later he was pretty blunt and I liked that much better, but trust was slow for Jeff).

So I realized this morning that he probably never meant that he thought my face was pretty. What he probably meant was that my hairstyle was stupid.

Takes the shine off it.

Then I started thinking that sooner or later everybody googles themselves right?

So I thought, I should put his name in a bunch of entries so that if he ever does google himself he'll find me.

Not that he's looking for me, but still, it'd be cool to get a comment or an email from him and see where he's at now.

So here: Jefferson William White...there you have it...now get your googlin azz to emailing me.

Maybe he'd just google Jeff White.

or Jeff William White.

or Jeff W white

or stuff.

Yeah, Jeff'd probably google stuff.

It was his stuff googling personality that made me love him, even though at the time there was no google.

The thing is that, even with all of that, I still felt like I didn't have anything to say today...other than, don't shop at Shaw's supermarkets because one of their manager guys was totally rude to me yesterday.

SO...I was cruising the net and refound this website which I can just read for hours on end.

Let me share with you my favorites that I pulled out today for my quote book:

Chick: He was not really completely gay.
Guy: What was he, then?
Chick: He was more just completely fabulous.
--10th & Broadway

Girl: I'm pathetic enough but not fabulous enough to be a fag hag.
--The Ansonia, 73rd & Broadway

Woman: And I am not going to Los Angeles just to have my horoscope read by the psychic cat.
--42nd & Lexington

Guy: You are a walking Katrina, you know that?
--C train

Chick: Wait, Survivor is still on? They gotta be running out of places to do it.
Dude: They should do a Survivor: New Orleans.
Chick: Oh my God, that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Dude: Shut up, you know you'd watch it.
--Party, 49th & 10th

Lady: Do you serve chicken here?
--Chirping Chicken, Grand Central

I have no idea why this next one strikes me as funny, but it seriously made me lmao

Hipster chick: ...Whatever you do, don't call him Robot Guy. He hates that.

Woman: You can therapize yourself. You don't need no therapist.
--Bay Ridge
no, but a dictionary wouldn't hurt

These next few just had me rolling, I love sarcastic people in charge of mass transit, I have no idea why

Conductor: You know which train it is; you know where it's going; step in, stand clear.
--W train

Conductor: Welcome to your next stop. If this is not your stop, stay on the train.
--C train

Pilot: Okay, so they've delayed us for about an hour, people. But it's not my fault. I don't want to be here either. But listen guys...I've got this trick. They tell me to stay put but I don't care. We'll inch up right by the runway because sometimes there's a little window of time where we can go. Yeah I've got it all worked out...be glad I'm sneaky.

Announcement: The commentary on this trip will be in English. We have guides available in Spanish, German, and French. For those of you who don't understand a word of English, this announcement won't do you any good.
--Circle Line ferry

Conductor: Thank you for riding the Long Island Railroad. We bring you yesterday's technology tomorrow!

Queer: I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me.
--Central Park

That cat lady should hook up with this lady, she could save on airfare

Old woman: Can you put five shrimp in a bag for me to hold for a minute and then I'll give you two back?
Seafood guy: Excuse me?
Old woman: Just put five shrimp in a bag for me, I need to hold it. I get energies from them. Just put five shrimp in a bag and give it to me to hold, and then I'll give you two back. I get energies.
--Whole Foods, Union Square

Chick #1: Boo, you're gonna miss!
Chick #2: Aren't you cheering for the wrong team?
Chick #1: I wasn't cheering, I was making an ominous prediction.
--Richmond County Ballpark

if there were more banter like the above I'd probably be more interested in sports

You're welcome.

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