2005-08-31 - 1:08 p.m.

I'm having anxiety attacks again.

It's fine. I know how to deal with them, but it's a bitch nonetheless.

The worst part is that mine tend to come with intense paranoia...is that just me?

I kicked this bout off by watching a movie I've avoided for about a year. The movie didn't scare me, here's the thing...

I'm not afraid of the bad people in the movies...I just realized this as I watched sort of from outside of it, what happens in my head after I watch a movie that others would consider a "thriller", but I call "the sleep killer"..

I'm not afriad of the movie. I'm not afriad of the bad guy or whatnot and I'm not afriad of ghosts.

I'm afraid of my brain. I'm afraid that I am the bad guy in these movies.

in this space was something that I couldn't leave here, because it scares me that much. Thoughts that cross my mind, unasked for, I almost didn't type it, but I did because I wanted it out, but now that I've seen it on the screen I can't give it that much life

I don't think about these things until I see these movies but once I do I go to this really dark place and I ...

okay, I don't want to talk about that any more.

The thing is I'm now afraid of my phone.

We always get our share of hang ups, like everyone and when you dial *69 it's a number you can't reach that way.

Okay, no big thing. It's always during business hours and never bothers me, in fact, I really hate the phone so normally I'm relieved when no one says anything on the machine (we're screeners). Lately though, as a part of the anxiety/paranoia I get nervous that this is part of someones great plan to make me insane.

I've noticed another trend.

Last year I didn't take a proper vacation, but the year before I took a week off to do day trips and spent the entire week with my first real anxiety attack. I've had short bouts since but nothing that I was worried was going to stick around.

I go on vacation next week. Day trips.
Wendiloo and I are going to do this together. She sent me an email today to ask if I wanted to do a certain something on our vacation and I nearly vomitted.

Vacation? Oh hell no.

Apparently I need to come to work every day. Apparently the idea of having unstructured time makes me freak out.

Now that I think about that it has always been true. I have traditionally filled my time pretty well and I remember years ago , like, many many years ago I had one night when I didn't have plans. I had no one to hang out with, I had the house to myself.

I FLIPPED OUT. I wrote a letter to a friend of mine who lived on her own and asked her how in the hell she did that, coming home every night to nothing, how she dealt with just this empty space...I'm seriously getting a tightening in my chest as I type these words...

Yet I always think I want this. I want all this time so I can write and read and be alone with my thoughts, but clearly I can't be trusted here.

Part of me wants to talk this to death so it will get the heck out of my head. The other part of me is saying that if I talk about it on and on I will be giving in to the drama and I should shut up act normal and soon I'll feel normal. Both methods have worked in the past and I just don't know what to do.

I'm reading a book on how to be a better writer and one of the things it talks about is that when you have an idea for a story you should shut up about it and not tell people because you'll talk the intensity right out of the idea and you want feel compelled to write it anymore. I think that's why I want to talk so much about the demon in my brain, maybe it would be so much less compelling if it were out in the light of day.

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