2005-07-26 - 12:51 p.m.

It was a year ago that...huh.


It was in my head. I knew what I wanted to say but as I went to type her name I couldn't.

She didn't want me to talk about her here unless I was going to be one hundred percent honest about all of it. that's not what this place is about. Not that I'm dishonest here, just that if I need to vent and bitch and scream here I don't want to have to provide equal time or both sides of the story. I don't want to have to qualify my emotions here. So I left her out as much as I could.

I guess now it might be okay. Because now I don't think there would be much that I would say that would need qualifying. I wonder if she'd still care.

Still if feels like betrayal.

I don't know how to get where I'm going without her. I mean, todays point. She's a part of it. The most recent part.

It was a year ago that she called me and told me about the thing that would ultimately take her.

I find the timing...hard.

Charley will be here next week to...I don't know what to call it. To somehow assure me that he won't die on the stupid boat.

I almost want to tell him not to come. If I didn't need SO badly to look into his eyes and hold his hands I would.

Selfish of me.

I feel like seeing me will only seal his fate.

It sealed TL's, it sealed Ben's and it sealed my father's and it sealed her's.

He doesn't see that. He thinks he is exempt. He doesn't believe that I'm toxic, that my love with cling with him like the dark cloud of death and eventually take him down, just like the others.

Being with me and then leaving me. Or me leaving.

TL on vacation. Ben when I was here and he was in Florida, dad right after I moved away, her right after she moved away.

I feel like making him come here is writing my name on the death certificate. Come closer, go away, see you at the funeral.

Sorry I've been so dark lately. I'd say I'll work on it, but that would be a lie.

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