Funny how you sabotage yourself and don't even know it.

We were talking in the previous entry about what you would change and all, and one of the things I would change (if I'm honest, the most important one) was not letting Matt and I slip apart.

I'm in my more "rocker girl" outfit today (don't ask) and so I threw on some old school Pat Benetar cd. Cause it felt right with the outfit.

Hell is for Children...go Pat, you tell 'em...Fire and Ice...give em that cold shoulder girl!...

We Belong.

BAM! We've talked about this before, here and in other diaries, and in real life. One song can bring you to your knees.

Matt and I weren't getting along especially well. We had hurt each others feelings. We were in his car, he was driving. We were in silence. Not that comfortable silence, that, "where do we go from here, is this going to just blow away and be fine or are we never going to talk again" knot of fire and snakes in the pit of your gut silence.

Pat was in the tape deck (yeah, it was awhile ago).

We Belong...oh, hell, if you don't know them you need to, I'll give you the lyrics:

We belong, we belong to the light
Many times I�ve tried to tell you
Many times I�ve cried alone
Always I�m surprised how well you
Cut my feelings to the bone

Don�t want to leave you really
I�ve invested too much time
To give you up that easy
To the doubts that complicate your mind

Chorus:

We belong to the light
We belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words
We�ve both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We belong, we belong
We belong together

Maybe it�s a sign of weakness
When I don�t know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn�t know
What to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit
Do we distort the facts
Now there�s no looking forward
Now there�s no turning back
When you say

(chorus)

Close your eyes and try to sleep now
Close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best
To try and wash the palette clean
We can�t begin to know it
How much we really care
I hear your voice inside me
I see your face everywhere
Still you say...

So yeah.

The song ends and Matt punches the tape deck off and doesn't take his eyes off the road when he says:

"We ever get married that's our wedding song huh?"

Still makes me teary.

Whenever we'd start feeling, not so secure about each other (this was the traditional gay guy straight(I thought so at the time anyway) girl but so in love they swore they could make it work somehow relationship)
one of us would start singing it.

Makes me think of this weekend we spent at a friend's beach house in Maine. Walking down the beach he made me sing it over and over. That night we slept in the master bedroom. You have to understand, Matt was a cuddler. IN the car, on the sofa, in a resteraunt, first thing in the morning, in the shower, in church, on a boat, in a moat, but he was NOT a cuddler in bed at night. He'd do it, for me, for a few minutes and then he'd actually say "okay, you got your cuddle, get on your own side and stay there til dawn."

The bed in that room in Maine was monsterous, I could have hosted a party on my side he'd never have known.

When we woke up in the morning he pulled me way over to his side and said, "there you are...I missed you last night."

Yeah.

We Belong.

Yeah.

Wish I'd not let him go.

Sick part is I tracked him down last year. We talked a few times about how much we miss each other, how much we love each other.

He's in florida now.

I haven't heard from him since October. I've left messages, voice mail and actual snail mail. Nothing.

Oh, this is us, years ago:

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