A warning about this entry: When I started writing it I thought it would be more emotional and less a commentary, but really I can't help but comment on what I'm watching, it was my job for so long. I'm guessing this entry will be the most fun for Splink and the Boys but the rest of you should read and memorize it as well just like you do everything I say.
And now:

I wish that I had my laptop with me today so that I could do two things at once, but I don�t. Maybe I couldn�t anyway. I probably couldn�t look away.

I�ve listened now to the new cd, Astronaut, nearly all the way through. I�ll explain the nearly another time. I�ll discuss the cd in another entry, maybe today, maybe not.

The thing is that, I�ve had it for quite awhile now and I�ve just got around to listening because I knew I�d hate it. With the cd is a dvd, a sort of Sing Blue Silver for the new crowd if you will.

I realize those of you who don�t know me are lost(ish). Bear with me if you can stand it, you don�t have to know all the players to follow along with the feelings.

I didn�t want to watch the dvd for two reasons. A. I didn�t want to be sucked in. It�s so simple for me to get pulled right back into that world, surround myself with it mentally and then long for it physically. It�s been reoffered to me and would be simple to take except that every single thing in my life forbids it. B. Him. I didn�t want to look at him. I�m fine about him as long as I don�t hear his name, or his voice or his words, or see him in any way.

** A note for those of you who don't know who he is, if you go back in my diary, I can't tell you dates, I don't remember, but if you go back to alot of entries about Nick and getting back together despite our better judgement and then a bunch of venomous entries about arm candy and barbie dolls...well, that's him.

I gave in finally today. I need a distraction, and it�s Charley�s birthday. So I came to work, knowing I�d be the only one here for an hour or so, and popped in the dvd. I�m a few minutes in and it�s �nearly indescribable. Every time he is on the screen I�m awash with anxiety. He burns holes in the lining of my stomach. They match the ones he left further north.

How poetic. Charl will like that. But if he is the acid, Charley is the antacid, the balm that cools the fire and soothes me. I wish I could impress on each of you how real this is, how palpable. In the same 2 seconds, literally, I can see him and have alarms going off in my head and fire in my belly and then see Charl and feel this complete serenity.

He looks great, by the way. It would be so much easier to take if he looked like hell, harder to take if he looked sick but instead he looks devastating. Or maybe it just seems that way when he stands next to the living dead (yeah, John, I�m looking at you when I say that).

A break from the emotional report card to say, as I watch, what exactly is the point of each audience shot being of men? �Look how the guys we talked into wearing Fedora�s have forgiven us?� or is it just to keep John happy that the boys still worship him?

Anyone ever notice how Andy�s tongue is just too big for his mouth? And when did Mr. �Rock And Roll the fuck with all this pretty boy mess� start getting his nails polished exactly?

Do you know what the best part of this is? Seeing the joy in Charley�s face. He is eating all of this up. I think it�s because John is back by his side. He missed the hell out of him and this is like ice cream. I love that glint in his eyes that you can see and just know that there is delicious deviation hiding right behind.

I wondered if he finds it difficult to vogue behind the microphone now that he�s been sent back to the shadows? Seems not.

Gee, everyone�s standing outside John�s door trying to get him onstage. I remember those days. I�ve told you, those of you that I�ve told about such things, I�ve told you about how it used to be to get John anywhere, and now you can watch other people try, what great fun.

Yasmin my beloved. You know that I think you are perfection personified but would it kill you to eat a roll? Have a biscuit, I�m begging you.

Oh My God! The fall of Milan right here in my office. I do believe he is wearing the same shirt that he wore �oh, no, the stripes are wavy, I see that now. False alarm, you can all relax.

Hungry Like the Wolf. Just�why? When you did the acoustic version you should have let that be the last time you ever did it. That was the best that song has ever been and now it�s a parody. I don�t care if it�s what the fans think they want, if the fans knew what worked they�d be on the stage. (Wow, how many times have I said that in meetings). Oh, look, here goes Charl, getting ready to jump of the stage after the howl�I haven�t even seen it, I don�t need to watch it to know what�s coming. That�s parody kids, I guess the cartoon opening should have been a tip off.

Hmmm, New Kids On The Block used to start a stage show with cartoons of themselves too.

New week on Surreal Life Simon le Bon takes the piss out of Facts of Life�s Tootie for drinking the last of the skim milk�

Oh, and now I�ve watched the jump. He got all of 3 inches off the floor. Imagine me shaking my head sadly.

Whew. Okay, there�s a moment, if you�re watching along it�s during Hungry right after Charl sings �Man now I�m lost and now I�m found� He does this look right into the camera, I�ve had to freeze it. I wish I could screen cap it, if someone out there has the ability to screen cap and has this dvd I�m begging you�this look is the exact look that makes me want to punch his face in. This is the �I�m done discussing this, I�m sick of dealing with you, I�m too pretty for this conversation and you�re boring me� face.
This is the face that Charley calls the �Nick needs another bottle of wine� face. This is the face that begs me to break out into �Little Bunny Foo Foo� just so I can see the anger fully bust out of it.
OH HOLY CRAP, that shirt!!! Can someone bring me my shades? I�m blinded. Did the Barbie buy you that pink monstrosity? And that ring? Oh dear.

And now he�s doing Mr. Humphries impersonations. It�s almost too much to take.

Here�s where I�m stopping. I�m going to have to watch this in bits and pieces, it�s too much all at once.

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