2003-05-29 - 10:55 a.m.

Knee deep in yesterday's rain.

So many things in my head over the past two days, so many people that have moved through my life. Only the ones with testosterone have made it into the reverie.

Trevor is very close, I can feel him in the air. I have no idea where he is or if he'll show up or call or anything but there is no doubt in my mind that he is close.

I thought about Matthew for a long time last night, I was thinking how I wish Pull My Chain was around when I was running around with Matt, it would have fit us as perfectly as our song did. (Our song,if you don't know, was "We Belong" by Pat Benetar).

Pull My Chain...Matt used to wear my ring (actually, this will get me in trouble, but it wasn't my ring, it was Jordan's family ring that he gave me as an engagement ring- the one Nick hates so much)on a chain around his neck. We were at the Club in Methuen one night and some guy came up to him and touched the ring and said, "Someone has a ring around your heart?" And Matt said, "No, my heart is mine, but this (he held up the ring on the chain) belongs to her (he pointed at me) and SHE holds the chain around my heart." After that he used to refer to me as "She who holds the chain" all of the time. So Pull My Chain...

Matt was a handful, he really was, he kept me on my toes and made me cry more often than not but I miss him like crazy. I was thinking last night of something he told me once, I glazed over it when he said it, I didn't want to deal with the reality of what he was saying, the immediate consequence and then never allowed myself to think of what it meant in subtext. I thought about it at length last night.

I think maybe Matt loved me more than he even knew he had a capacity to love. He was good at it too, when he wanted to be. When he wasn't busy being selfish and self destructive he was such a wonderful person to be with.

Isn't it strange how much David always says he loves me, how many things David does for me, how hard he tries to connect with me and yet, he will never be a fraction of what Matt was without even trying.

After Matt I spent a long time thinking about Jeff. The same scenes with him play over and over in my head all of the time. You know, Jeff and I, when we very first started to hang out together, when he was still with Kathy and we hadn't even kissed yet, we used to do this thing, we'd stand very very close to each other, but not touching. Face to face, close enough to feel each others breath, but not touch and we'd just sort of breath each other in, feel the electricity of the closeness.

It only struck me last night how strange a thing that was to do.

Especially for a man who was mystified when I'd nip at his shoulders, absolutely could not understand why I would want to bite his shoulders. He had sexy shoulders, what's not to understand?

Jeff was incredibly sensual,but had no idea that he was, it's hard to explain. He made all of the right moves, gave me all the right moments but then later he'd ask me to explain them to him, like he was an alien gathering information about human behaviour.

I remember distinctly doing that standing close together, breathing each other in thing by the side fence, right near the street on the sidewalk by our school. Back Bay Boston, car's going by, people walking everywhere. I didn't notice any of them then, I only saw Jeff but when I think back now, I can still feel the blinders that went on when we got close to one another, how everything else faded away to nothing, but now I think, what must we have looked like, these two people, face to face, so close, not speaking or touching, just lost, completely mesmerized in each other's electric fields.

And then I always think of that damn night. No one will ever love me...

I think it's some sort of cosmic retribution that I work just seconds away from where that conversation took place. I never came to Salem back then, I think I'd been here maybe 3 times in my life and now, every day spent seconds away from the spot where I made the single largest mistake of my life. It's like I'm waiting for a rip in the curtain of time, for the sliver of a chance to run back across that street and say the words that screamed in my head that night...I love you more...I DO!

T.L. - I thought of him only briefly last night. I thought of how our friend Kim (I think it was Kim, it may have been Holly) told me, almost a year after he died, that he once told her that he felt that I only loved him because he reminded me of Jeff.

Untrue. They had similar qualities, a quirkiness, intelligence, creativity, a damaged little boy somewhere inside, all of those things that always pull me into a man but I was not looking for Jeff inside T.L., not ever.

I look for Jeff in Wim, certainly. I still do so I can't make that past tense. When I get really hung up on not finding Jeff, not knowing where he is, I always find an excuse to call Wim. Wim and Jeff are just enough alike, though in the end Wim is more like Jordan than Jeff.

Jordan. He made me cry this morning. In a good way. Well, twice actually, and in two very good ways. He always surprises me. Not all surprises are good, as Wendi loves to say, but still, it's something.

Today's surprises were bittersweet, but I'm so gratified that he remembered what he did.

There are people who are conspicuous by their absense from this monolog. I can't help where the flow of consciousness goes, and that is where it went.

Yesterday after the meeting I mentioned to Surfer Boy that two of the men at the meeting were yummy, in addition to the one I have already said I would crawl across cut glass for. Surfer Boy was confused. He actually said "Bill doesn't seem like your type."

Nearly fell out of my chair.

Scott, pick my type out for me please? Look through the list of men that you personally have seen me fall for and pick my type:



The Bug


Billy Petersen

Brian Boitano

There's the shortlist, pick a type.

Naw, there's no type, there's just that...something.

I ain't high and dry I ain't got a big boat but I got a new umbrella and an overcoat and if the good Lord helps me and the sun breaks through it'll be one more day that I made it without you...knee deep, in yesterday's rain.

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