2003-05-19 - 11:38 a.m.

Oh my god.

I had the feeling that today would be the day.

Even before the fucking link I followed.

I just knew. I thought about Jordan the whole way to work today. I talked to him saturday because it was his birthday but that wasn't why I thought of him this morning.

I thought of Jordan this morning because Jordan is where my heart goes when it is terrified of what's going on around it. It always has. I'm completely without control on this. I can control my body, stop it going to Jordan, I can force my mind to think of other things but when things get really close to my heart breaking, it always runs to Jordan for cover and today was no different.

Another mailbox, another link. This time to the Tatler article. You remember the Tatler article. The begining of the end of Nick and I, such as we were?

Curiosity forced me to open the link. If it does the same for you, here it is:


I think it's only the article, and thankfully, not the photos. It only took the title of the article for to send me running to my diary :

"Who's a pretty boy? Nick Rhodes is an ideal boyfriend he'll dress you up, make you up, even sing to you"

I absolutely cannot read this article. Is this whole thing going to be about his relationship with arm candy? I'm going to vomit.

If my heart doesn't break today, I mean shatter into a million little pieces after all of the little things slamming away at it, then I don't think it ever can. I think it will be too late even for that, that maybe it has, as we've all suspected, become a cold little rock in my chest.

Here's what I want to do. First I want my hands to stop shaking so I can type.

Then I want to print this fucking article out and stuff it in my purse.

Then I want to drive as fast as I can to J's house and crawl into the center of his bed (still weird not to say our bed, but god only knows where our bed is now) and read this stupid fucking article in the one place I know is safe.

Jordan's bed as the place where I'm safest? Trust me. It is.

And yes. Yes I know how hurt a few of you are by that. Don, you especially but let's be honest here, just for a second, even though we always think we are so fucking honest, let's be honest.

If you were my safe place you'd have made a place for me. Yeah, Jordan and I fought like dogs and he fucked up and I fucked up and he should've maybe done this or that differently and you were there when he wasn't. But he was there the rest of the time. He was there every fucking day and no matter how hard I kicked him, no matter how loud I yelled, no matter who else I slept with Jordan always came back when I wanted him there. His one big fault was not knowing when I wanted him there. You Don always knew when I needed you most, always saw through the crap bravado but you never could be there for the day to day.

I'm going to read the rest of the article. All by myself. In my office. And then I'm going to sit here and sob and wait for Trevor to swing by and tell me that he and whatshername got married over the weekend and do I want to see the photos.

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