2003-04-28 - 2:30 p.m.

I'm torturing myself.

I'm sitting here torturing myself.

There's a certain website.

It has a gallery of photos dedicated soley to the arm candy.

Some photos are of the arm candy alone, some are of the arm candy with

(I just sat here staring at the screen, feeling my heart pounding and my hands shaking and not wanting to finish that sentence)

we know who with.

And I'm sitting here, and I'm staring at her, and at them, and I'm imagining...and for the first time in all of this I'm crying.

I mean, I've cried, I cried when he's told me things, I've cried when he got here, while he was here and when he left.

But I'm now at that moment, that LOW low, that despair low, that heart clutching in the chest, maybe I was wrong, maybe I can't handle this, maybe I should never have started this, maybe I'm going to throw up and sob and shake and scream until they put me in an institution low.

Would I trade last week in for a normal week of Nicklessness if I had known this moment was coming?

Not for a second.

Can I stop myself staring at the photos?

Not for a second.

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