2003-04-09 - 11:21 a.m.

So here I am, 9:08 pm. Tears streaming down my face.

It didn�t take 9 minutes. It took 3 minutes, I just decided to write about it now.

It happens every single time.

I wish I could give you the exact time it started. Let�s look at it this way, her show was on the air the year I was born and I remember being obsessed with seeing it when I was small enough that I had to push something over to the tv in order to be tall enough to crawl on top of it. This was a floor set, big, but, not more than 3 feet high. And I was crawling on top of it so I could lay over it like she laid over the piano for Tramp.

If I had to guess I�d say I was 3, but it had to be 2 because I vividly remember her being pregnant and Chas was born when I was 3. I know the tears were rolling then. The tears were there from the very first time. Smiling like an idiot, my chest constricted, tears rolling down my face. I feel so connected and I have no idea why.

My first vocal coach-I was 14; she asked me, �Why do you want to sing?� I hadn�t sung a note for her yet it was our first meeting. I looked her straight in the face and said, �Because I�m Cher.� She grunted. I sang for her. She said �You�re not Cher. You can sing.� She never let that go. She made me sing opera. She kept me in a range higher than she could sing and she was a trained operatic soprano. She�d get me to belt out the Ave Maria for a group of people with their jaws on the ground and then she�d look at me and shake her head, �Why in the hell would you want to be Cher? You�re 14, you�re already better than her.�

She never got it. I never said I wanted to sound like Cher. I never said Cher (who, by the way, in my head, ALWAYS even when I was too young to know it was her actual name, has always been Cherylin) could sing. I mean, she�s better now, this last vocal coach has worked wonders with her, but from a singer�s standpoint, she�s a vocal nightmare. Her song choices make me cringe about 95% of the time. I have my favorites though.

So what then? Her honesty certainly. Her absolute commitment to living her life her way and not having regrets or making excuses. That doesn�t explain the 3-year-old Bonnie sitting in front of the tv feeling like the other half of her self was on the screen. It doesn�t explain the automatic tears or the electric response.

Gypsies, Tramps and Theives.

The Way of Love

After All

I can�t even tell you. I just can�t. There�s nothing to compare it to.

The obvious thinking is that it�s just remembering what I was around when I was a kid, and that when I was a kid I just connected to what was big at the moment. No 2 year old, 3 year old knows what�s big unless the people around them tell them. My parents did NOT watch Sonny and Cher.

I fought for this.

I was the apple of my daddy�s eye. I never once felt the need to rebel against him, not at any age, he adored me and I adored him, always. I did whatever I could to please him. He HATED Cher. It wasn�t a matter of, I just don�t like that or whatever, and he flat out hated the whole Sonny and Cher thing. He didn�t want me watching her. I begged, pleaded, cried and snuck off to another room to get to Cher, to sit in front of that tv and be one with her.

10:02 Still Cryng. Heart still pounding. Chest still tight. Hands still shaky and I still have to remind myself to breath.

Wendi better have tissues on May 2nd is all I�m saying.

Cher hates Just Like Jessie James. It�s my favorite Cher song. She�s right though, it has too many words for her and she can�t sing it for shit. Sit down Cherylin, I�ll do this one. You rest.

Heart of Stone, song that most typifies her. Yeah. Always a big favorite.

�Do everything you can now�The hell with it, do it, you can always look back and go fuck it, I shouldn�t have done it.�

Exactly Cher. Exactly.

Give me a second for this rant. COME BACK DARLENE LOVE. Who in the hell are these back up singers? They suck. They�re killing these songs. The songs need all the help they can get and these girls are just squawking at them.

I always feel alone when it�s over, but more than that I feel afraid. Inexplicably afraid. Real fear. Biological response fear. Stomach filled with acid fear.

Every time. For 34 years now.

You�d think I�d have the why by now.

�Follow this you bitches.�

I�m not gonna stop saying that for a really long time gang so get used to it.

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