2003-04-02 - 2:52 p.m.

I said I'd write something about Nick today.

I'm not sure I can.

It's good. It's good to be talking and laughing and fighting and

That's where the hard part comes. And what?

Maybe it's enough to be talking and laughing and fighting.

Nick says I'll want him until I have him.

I can't argue that logic. It's been true frequently with everyone. Except, I pointed out, with him.

I never didn't want him. I didn't want that life. I am not the arm candy. I will NEVER be the arm candy. I'm not interested in going where the arm candy goes or talking to the people the arm candy talks to.

Not that I'm above arm candy. That's not it. That misstates it.

It's not about wanting to not be arm candy. It's about not wanting to move in those circles. I'll be all the arm candy you need when you decide to start moving among the living. When you decide to start socializing with people who are your intellectual equal. Then I'm your candy girl.

Does this mean that he's wrong? Does it mean that if say, he decides to move through the social circles without me and let me stay at home in my box with my books and I let him keep his arm candy to take out with him but he comes home to me and my box of books, does that mean that I WON'T stop wanting him.

That's the problem. Can't make that promise. Never could.

This is where Nick laughs at me. "But you're the one who can see the future."

But I'm the one who f's up the future.

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