2003-03-31 - 2:08 p.m.

I feel like death today. It's a strange thing though, to be feeling this sick, this happy and this peaceful all at the same time.

The sick part, well, if I was getting any quality of sleep at all lately that might not be such an issue but I'm not. I'm not complaining about the lack of sleep though, it's the lack of sleep that leads me to the happy thing.

The happy thing. It's probably a bad idea, but aren't most really good things bad ideas? It's an old road I'm walking here, one that I've walked before and ended up broken hearted. Really, we're just friends. Really.

Every single person here knows that's a lie so why did I bother even saying it?

Okay, Nick's with someone now, and even if most nights lately are spent keeping me up on the phone and making me giddy and hopeful for things I shouldn't hope for, he's with someone else (someone STRIKINGLY inappropriate by the way) but someone else.

Even if that weren't true Nick and I have issues that won't go away, that won't solve themselves and that I can't see a clear way out of.

So why the giddy? So why the happy through the sick and tired? Cause he has those really sexy arches? I don't know, but there it is.

The peace, it's still there. For how much longer? I don't know. It doesn't just happen, I have to work at it, but it's there.

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