2004-02-11 - 12:26 p.m.

There's someone reading through my old entries so she can catch up to what I'm talking about now.

I'm not sure the old entries will help her as I don't usually discuss the specifics of stuff but rather the goofiness or the emotions.

Anyway, anyone who has questions is always welcome to ask, if you're confused someone else probably is too and I'm more than happy to lay most anything out here to clear it up.

That's not what I wanted to say though.

What I wanted to say was that having this person reading all the old junk prompted me to do the same, to see what it would look like from the perspective of someone who didn't know me and was reading to try and get a sense of me and what was going on.

I don't think this diary will do that, but I did come across this entry:


You don't have to go read the whole thing unless you want to, the point that I'm working around is this one line from it:

Nick says I'll want him until I have him

How true did that turn out to be? SO f'ing true.

Have you ever noticed how that's true for most of my boys?

So here's the ponderable for the day. If magically (and we all know by magically I mean if Kim got hit by a bus or Don woke up and decided to finally just kill her, but I'm too polite to say so)Don turned up available tomorrow and we decided to both pull our heads out of our asses and get together would I want him until I had him?

Would it be the same with him?

It wasn't with Jeff. I wanted him no matter how it went. I always did. I wanted him until I didn't have him and then I wanted him a full 12 years after that and it's just now that I'm begining to realize that I probably don't still want him.

But Don. I can't imagine what would make me not want him.

With Nick it was easy to see coming. We're completely different people with different values. There's some insane force that makes me completely lose my mind and decide that I want to be with him every once in awhile, but even when that happens I know where the snakes are lying in wait. I know where the traps are set.

Name any one of my guys. I'll tell you the same thing. I cycle around to times when I really want more than anything to be with each of them, but even as I'm running headlong into their arms I know in my head how it's going to end. I know the name of the fly that will ruin my soup.

But Don. No snakes, no traps, no flies.

It begs the question why we never saw it before it was too late.

I guess because we weren't meant to is the only answer I have. Still...I'm turning it over and over today...would I want him until I had him and if that was true, what would be the thing that would make me not want him again.

Anyone have any ideas?

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