2004-02-19 - 12:40 p.m.

Something about Dido makes me think of him, so many of her lyrics...

A sampling:

When you look that serious

It just makes me want you more

And I've been meaning to tell you

The closer you get, the better I feel

The closer you are, the more I see

Why everyone says that I look happier

When you're around

The closer you get, the better I feel



If you should stop for a while

You will find me standing by

Over here at the side of your life

I'd like to hold you still, remind you of all you've missed

If you have a little time

If you have a little time that is



So you're with her, and not with me, I hope she's sweet, and so pretty

I hear she cooks delightfully, a little angel beside you

So you're with her, and not with me, oh how lucky one man can be

I hear your house is smart and clean, oh how lovely with your homecoming


Oh how lovely it must be

When you see her sweet smile baby, don't think of me

When she lays in your warm arms, don't think of me



I say come back

Come in from the cold

Into the warm

I feel like fire

Guiding you back home

As darkness falls



I didn't hear you leave, I wonder how am I still here,

I don't want to move a thing, it might change my memory

Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, but I can't hide

I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me

I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends, they might wake me from this dream



If you gave me just a coin for every time we say goodbye

Well I'd be rich beyond my dreams, I'm sorry for my weary life

I know I'm not perfect but I can smile

And I hope that you see this heart behind my tired eyes

If you tell me that I can't, I will, I will, I'll try all night

And If I say I'm coming home, I'll probably be out all night

I know I can be afraid but I'm alive

And I hope that you trust this heart behind my tired eyes

I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try

I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life

I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry

I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly

I know I'm not around each night

And I know I always think I'm right



The night will come but I won't sleep,

As I watch the stars that lead him,

I cannot place where he is,

But still my heart goes with him,



Today I feel close enough to smell you




Know what? There are dozens more. And if I leave the Dido thing there are probably millions more but I don't even want to let these go now, as I'm typing this I'm teetering on the edge of just closing the page and never letting this post go.



The only saving grace is that no one ever reads the lyrics anyway. Because you see (I'm pretty sure you're the only one left still reading), I may do alot of talking about how I feel but I rarely let myself get so vulnerable as some of these lyrics show me to be.

I know I do with you, because the trust there, between us, amazing. No need to go on about it, but it's easy, it's easy with you and it's so difficult to let anyone else see. Because no one can know the other side, your side, and all it looks like is me, pining and wishing, all on my own.

This doesn't belong here, none of it does. It belongs between us alone, but the purpose of this thing, the original purpose of having a diary online was to be able to yap and chat and just get everything in my head out and be able to examine it.

This needs examining because it's taking it's toll on us both.

Remeber what you said on the phone the other night about that time when we were house sitting? I had managed to block that entirely and now it's all I can think about. I had gotten so good at accepting things as they have to be, it may have been a mistake to remind me of a time when we didn't care how it had to be.

Do I go on?

I need to do this, without your half of the dialog interrupting my own ability to work from point to point, connecting the dots all for myself, but at the same time, in a place that you can see, and go back to and make your own dots, connect them in your own way and then maybe call me and we can talk it through.

It's so hard though, to do this here and not feel like it's being put on display.

Ugh. Sour stomach. Too much for now.

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