2006-04-06 - 11:43 a.m.

I very nearly swore off reality television forever last night.

I am done with American Idol. I'm sure I'll tune in next season with the rest of the world (minus crate) to watch the trainwreck auditions but beyond that I am finished.

Yes, Mandeesa had talent.
No, I didn't vote for her. I didn't vote at all.

What's that you say? Then I have no reason to complain?

Ah, but I do.

My chief complaint is that watching American Idol has become painful.

Paula and Ryan are charicatures of themselves, Simon has all but abandoned any shred of trying to pretend anyone might win other than the person he hand selected on day one and Randy...

Randy makes me hate my television set.
I didn't think anyone could ruin that, my last and most devoted relationship.

Oh Randy, I know your secret. Barnes and Noble got together with Borders and together they're sending you great big wheelbarrows filled with cash and cheeseburgers. The only thing you have to do is keep making people click off those sets and pick up a book.

Well played.

The theme for last night's round of so called reality television was this:

We picked the winner long before any of you wandered through the door. If you have any talent whatsoever, or any chance of charming the american public into believing that you should win this contest and are NOT our prechosen winner (who by the way has no chance of charming anyone and no talent at all. We aren't stupid you know. If we put people with real talent into the business the rest of us would be on welfare) you are then eliminated.

America's Next Top Model.

Mollie Sue goes home because she has "no personality". Except they forgot to mention that she did really well in the improv challenge and that Nick thought she had a fun personality.

Oh, I just got a note from Tyra Banks:

Er, let's not impose logic on what we decided we were gonna toss her out for before we started this show okay?

Sorry Tyty.

We know that wasn't really a note from Tyra. The clues were in the correctly spelled monosyllabic words.

Any rate, yes, I know, we all hate Jade, we all wanted Jade to be eliminated, but did we really?

In our hearts I think we all knew that if Jade had been eliminated it would have been like Sam getting Diane, David getting Maddy...all those things that we think we want, we get and then die of boredom.

It's not true though, that they kept Jade just to keep us awake long enough to hypnotize us into repeating "Easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl" every 30 seconds. No.

They kept Jade because when Tyra was a young model and so naive, models like Jade were always slapping her shit down.
They called her lightbulb head and used her forehead to leave notes to other models in other zip codes.

They keep Jade because smacking her down will be Tyra's mini smack down on Naomi.

And because she can't win.

I was so sure last night would be Brooke's turn to go home, but I guess we haven't worked our way far enough into the season where the Ugly Girl with All The Potential In The World has a Sadness to her that we just don't think she can conquer.

Plus we have to get rid of all the fun, pretty girls before America realizes what we're up to.

Hey Mandeesa, you wanna come be America's Next Top Model? Bet you make it to the final 3.

(In fairness I did not see Amazing Race. I have it taped and if anyone tells me who was eliminated (or that it was a non elim) I will beat them with the fury of Randy and Tyra being told the resteraunt is out of ribs.)

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