2004-03-23 - 4:20 p.m.

I got told today that I am the worst kind of predator.

I got told that I hunt my prey just to watch them sweat. Just to prove I can catch them. Then I wound or kill them and wander off, not even using them to nourish myself.

Wanna hear the funny part? It was his wife that said this. She's angry at me because he's broken. She's angry because I disrupted their lives.

I didn't defend myself. I just let her say what she needed to say, apologized and got off the phone. She didn't want to hear me, she just wanted to be heard. She wanted me to feel some of the pain I've caused her family.

She thinks that I don't.

She thinks that I did this as a game of cat and mouse. She thinks that I reel him in and then throw him back just to prove I can.

I do that. I don't do it with him.

And for the record, they do nourish me, even if I don't feed on them to the point of death.

She sees herself as victim in all of this, but she's as much a player as any of us. She had the choice not to wait to be chosen as much as I did. She had the choice to say, I'm not waiting around, if I'm not the only one you want then I'm not enough and I'm not here to be your something, I'm here to be your everything. She had that choice, but she was willing to wait. She was willing to play the odds and hope he would stay. Or maybe she had complete confidence that he would choose her. I don't know.

I think she's most angry that I robbed her of the opportunity to be chosen. She didn't want to win him by default.

I didn't want to win him at all, I wanted to BELONG to him. But I don't.

And lastly, in light of how many of them do die, I thought her word choices were in bad taste.

Anyway, she'll have no chance for rebuttle here because as far as I know she doesn't know about this diary, but if he wants her to see it, I have no problem with it. I just figured it's my f'ing diary and I get to vent a little too right?

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