2006-12-07 - 1:20 p.m.

Let me begin today by saying that Iím sick.

Iíve been sick since thanksgiving and just when I think Iím getting better something new comes along and makes me feel worse than I did when this whole thing started. Todayís new thing is a very unpleasant intestinal reaction to the medication Iím on for my Strep Ear.

Yes, I know, youíve never heard of Strep Ear. No one has. Itís the single most frequently heard sentence by yours truly for the past 3 days.

I tell you all of this so that you might cut me some slack, or I should say even MORE slack than usual with anything I might say that makes little or no sense. Or yíknow if I put things in poor order. Or if I leave this entry all together and lock myself in the ladies room for a couple hours. That sort of thing.

I wouldnít even attempt an entry today except that Crate has convinced me that I have the opportunity to be timely. More on that in a moment.

Before we continue Iíd like to extend heartfelt sympathy to my friend G who lost his longtime companion Max a few days ago. He may have been a pig but he was a damn fine pig and we loved him.

Alright, now on to the meat and potatoes of todayís entry:

Pretend Boyfriends and Why They Are Better Than Actual Boyfriends

Iíd like to mention that included with the pretend boyfriends are the slightly less pretend by not quite real ďinternet boyfriendsĒ with whom we have (this is where I get to be all timely thanks to Crateís eagle eyed watch on all things pop culture) Elationships which is Urban Dictionaryís word of the day.

I have had real boyfriends, I keep a stable of pretend boyfriends, known affectionately as Dashboard Boys, and I have had in the past, and am currently blissfully and weirdly involved in an elationship.

Allow me to make just one distinction here before we continue. Pretend boyfriends are NOT boyfriends that you make up and tell your friends that you have so that you seem somehow less pathetic. Pretend boyfriends as used in this case are real live boys or characters with which you can have pretend relationships.

My list of pretend boys in current rotation would look something like this:

Jay Manuel
Tim McGee
L.J. Gibbs
Gil Grissom
Michael Weatherly (I fought it as long as I could)

You get the idea.

All of this comes from the fact that while talking to Crate yesterday about relationships and dating I mentioned that I would say no if someone asked me out right now. Even if they were someone I was interested in. I mean, if Brock (elationship boy) showed up in the same state as me (donít, by the way) and wanted to go out Iíd go (probably. Maybe) but otherwise, Iím just not interested in actual boyfriends at the moment.

I might be tempted by a gay boyfriend but they werenít a part of yesterdayís conversation so letís pretend they donít exist for this conversation okay?

Anyway, I was talking to Wendiloo at the same time and relayed to her what Iíd said about not wanting a real boyfriend but instead preferring pretend boyfriends who you donít have to hear snore, or fart or whatnot.

Wendiloo agreed and we began listing the ways in which pretend and nearpretend boyfriends are better.

Some of the ways weíve come up with:

1. As previously stated no snoring or farting. Also youíre never asked to pull their finger. Be warned however that in the case of e-boyfriends you may get the occasional fart joke.

2. They donít get upset (well the pretend ones donít, most of the good e ones donít either) when you decide that you need more than just one boy in your current romantic lineup. (My lifelong problem has been that real boys have such issues with this one)

3. They can say things that actual boys canít without sounding creepy. For example Iím quite sure that on the very first night of their pretend relationship Brad could express his love for Wendiloo without her being even vaguely weirded out. The real boy who did this was sent on the first bus home to Wackoville.

4. Theyíre always there for you when youíre sick. You always know that if youíre feeling lousy they arenít going to be sitting on the sofa when you get home from work asking whatís for dinner.

5. They never step on your feet when you dance.

6. They never EVER look at another woman when youíre together (or even when you arenít)

7. They never work late, or have to go to the office on the weekend.

8. They never pick playing cards or fishing with the guys over spending time cuddling in front of the tv with you.

9. They never cheat, unless you want them to so that you can find out and have a good cry and yell at them and then make up. (And yes, I know thatís taking it a little far, but itís pretty good therapy for when you have anger toward someone that youíre not comfortable dealing with).

Oh there are so many more but Iím sick and tired and Iím certain you get the idea.

Itís best to have the elationship if you can get your hands on one because you sort of get the best of both worlds. They can surprise you with really sweet or very sexy words, but never steal the covers.

Crate and I came to the realization that all these virtual relationships that are flying around out there should make a nice new division for Hallmark. When you virtually care enough to email the very best.

I told Crate that Iíd come up with some cards for todayís blog but it doesnít appear to be happening. Perhaps Iíll hold that out for a late date. Or you could all come up with some and weíll post them next time.

Now before I go Iíd like to say YAY Caridee! She won this cycle of Americaís Next Top Model which was exactly what I had hoped for. Not that it actually means anything, I just hate to see the people Iíve been rooting against all season win.

Soon a new season of Beauty and the Geek kicks in. I do so love that show.

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