2004-02-26 - 12:10 p.m.

I cried so much yesterday that my eyes hurt when I woke up this morning.

That can't be good can it?

I just keep thinking about how everyone says that you always get to the worst part right before you have a breakthrough and that you need to trudge through it to get to that really good part on the other side.

Can't wait to see what the really good part is gonna look like, because I can't imagine it right now.

Last night as I was driving home, after I hung up the phone a very quiet voice inside my head said "I just don't want to live anymore."

And what scared me was, I didn't want to call anyone and say it to them. I didn't want to be talked down from it, I just knew it was true.

I didn't even plan on saying it here because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want a scene caused about it.

I'm not going to hurt myself, that's not it, it's just that...I'm not interested in what tomorrow has to offer.

I was talking to the KOI's wife a few days ago and she was saying how her vacation to Florida can't come soon enough. I was doing the whole "How lovely for you." thing and then she said, well what are you planning to do?

I thought and thought. I looked at my planner, then at the calender on my desk. I realized. I'm looking forward to nothing.


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