2006-12-21 - 1:18 p.m.

I just got hugged.

I think there may have been a time when I was a huggy person, in fact, I can recall a few times in my life when I was quite huggy.

When Matt and I used to spend every night in gay bars I was even a kissy person. Anyone who has ever done any time in the gay bar circuit can tell you that you have to begin leaving roughly an two hours and a half before you want to walk out the door because:

1. You have to find the person you came with. This is harder than it sounds because everyone has the same haircut and clothes on, no one is EVER where they're meant to be, if you came with a real slut like I always did it's very likely that they're in the men's room, or the broom closet or the parking lot or some random guy's apartment 3 towns away.

2. In the course of finding the person you came with you have to stop everyone you know (which is pretty much everyone whether you've actually met them or could identify them in a police line up later or not) and ask if they've seen him.

3. Every person you stop will have to tell you how FABULOUS you look and then tell you about that horrible Queen so and so who stole their boyfriend or spiked their drink or left the apartment that morning after having used the last of the cologne/hairgel/lube.

4. Every other person you stop will either want to dance or buy you a drink or ask you to buy them a drink.

5. If they've seen the person you're looking for they have no clue where he is now, or they think they do only then the two of you set out together to find him.

6. If they have no clue then you can move on after the drama report and the drink/dance. If they think they know this is trouble because now they're going to HELP you.

7. Helping you means that they set off doing the same thing you're doing, asking everyone if they've seen your so and so and then they have to do the drama report and the drink/dance thing and you have to be called over to hear/participate and this turns into one great big commercial for hair products in the 80's (and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends)

8. While you're searching at least 16 people will come up to you telling you that the person you're looking for is looking for you because he heard you were looking for him. They will lead you in the direction they last saw him but of course he's doing the same dance through a different side of the crowd by now so you're actually being pulled in a circuitous route away from one another.

9. You finally do one of two things: Jump on the stage/dance platform until you see person you're looking for and they see you, or Head to the dj booth where, if you've both been in the scene long enough, you understand is the only place to actually find each other.

10. You tell person that you're ready to leave. You and person have an arguement that he's just met the man of his dreams and can't possibly leave yet but you insist because there will be at least 5 more men of his dreams in the parking lot alone. He agrees and you synchronize your watches.

11. You now have to go and "say goodbye" to everyone. When I say everyone I mean this pretty literally. It means your friends, and your friends friends, and the new boy your friend just met and is talking about buying a place in the Hamptons with and the bartenders and the dykes in the pool room and the bouncers who are hiding in the back smoking and comparing the size of their packages.

Saying goodbye mostly looks like this:

"Hey I'm leaving" and you kiss the person, usually on the mouth. Then the person says, "No, you can't leave, you just got here" and then you say that you have to get up early tomorrow and then you both talk for 10 minutes about how much you hate your jobs. Then you get to kiss again and move on to the next person. If you hit any of the people that you missed during the "have you seen so and so" phase then you have to do the whole, when did you get here, who are you with, have you heard my latest drama, hey can you buy me a french kiss thing with them and then the goodbye thing with the kissing and then they have to go off in search of the person you're with which means that both they and that person will become part of that looking for someone circuit.

At least 4 times in your goodbye rounds you will be asked where your partner in crime is because someone you just spoke to is looking for them because they heard (from you, seconds ago) that they're here.

12.Then when you're nearing the end of the goodbye circuit you'll start running into the same people you said goodbye to at the begining and have to have the whole, "I thought you were leaving, oh, why don't you just stay, it's so late now, what's the point of not staying til the end?" thing.

13. You meet finally with your person, both having said goodbye to everyone in the building.

14. On the way out you have to stop to talk to the people working the door and explain yourself as to why you're leaving when the sun hasn't even begun to show itself on the horizon.

15. YOu have to then stop in the parking lot to say goodbye to all of your friends who are doing you don't want to know whatall in their cars. This is the only place that you are not obligated to say goodbye to, or kiss, strangers.

I had no plan to write all of that, my point was that someone that I'm not very fond of, (can't stand actually) just hugged me because a few days ago he gave me a gift and I hugged him in thanks. Now it's not my nature any more to go around hugging people I don't like even if they are giving me things (just like it's no longer in my nature to start drinking at 2pm and believe that drinking rolling rock for 2 hours straight is 'sobering up for the drive home') but this person works for me and is sort of sensitive so...whatever.

He gave me a gift, I hugged him. Now it's been a daily hug every time he leaves the building.

HOw does one stop the hugging?

I'm thinking of making a sweater of exposed razor sharp blades.

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