2006-03-08 - 11:27 a.m.

Dear Crate,
I've updated like, 3 times since November, what's so special about the past 6 days?
Also, you know you get them glazed donut eyes when I talk about teevee. But since you asked, see the following.

If you don't understand that go back and read the comment for the last entry.

Since it would appear that Crate is the only reader I have left, and really, who knows why he still shows up when I have less than nothing to say anymore, and even if I DO have something to say my shiesty work internet only works for about 3 minutes a day.


The teevee update for Crate, who doesn't own a teevee, but watches pretty much through other peoples blogs:

It's sad now because many of the reality shows that have become the staple of my viewing diet are ending, or have ended.

Skating with celebrities, which I thought I could love because I love skating, and I love to see celebrities fail miserably and cut open their faces, ended in something of an upset last week. Thing is, I couldn't make myself care. I hated all of the celebrities (well, I didn't hate Jillian all of the time, but still). I hated most of the skaters.

And not the fun sparkly kind of hate that makes you keep tuning in to see if one of them will break something. Just that dull back of your throat kind of ache that these people are seriously contributing nothing to the planet and still get to have oxygen and more money than you.

Still I didn't miss a week. It's a sad state of affairs.

Also recently ended was Dancing with the Stars. When this show first started in the states last year I had the feeling it was going to be something I would get stuck watching because mom would love it, being an ex dancer herself.

As it turned out, I loved the first season and became obsessed with the second season. Well, the winner of the second season anyway. I'd miss it terribly except that it was competing with Survivor in the end anyway and I can't not watch Survivor.

I don't know why Survivor keeps pulling me back in. I salivated like one of Pavlov's dogs in the first few years every time someone would say the word buff or that whoooo-0000-oooo music would sound. The past couple of seasons have been entirely forgetable and Jeff (Note to Crate: Jeff is the host of the show) has become kinda icky since he fell in love with one of the contestants from a few seasons back.

I still won't miss an episode, even if I couldn't care less if one of them gets eaten by wild animals on exile island.

Supernanny is back on monday nights. I completely love this show, which is strange given the fact that I hate the kids, and I hate the parents. Still I love Jojo and how she stands there rolling her eyes and shaking her head at how people are so stupid.

Also on monday nights is "How I met your mother". This show is brilliant. The cast is fun, Barney played by Neil Patrick Harris of "Doogie Howser M.D." fame is the best character on television right now. I heart Barney and all his suity evil goodness.

The Amazing Race is in it's second week and so far the challenges have yet to impress me. The waterfall climb was probably fun to do but lacked impact on the screen. I'm sick of them giving contestants shitty cars. This show is RAKING in money, you would think they could get a car that's battery wasn't about to die.

I'm still gonna cheer for the nerds though, I think they're cute even if they are in love.

American Idol is getting tough to stick with. If they'd fire Randy and Paula and just let Simon give his constructive critisism it would be way less annoying.

Let me tell you how Randy's critiques of tonight's guys competition are sound:

"Dawg. I mean. Man. I mean. Okay. Dawg. I don't know. Y'know dawg? Okay, so here's the thing. I like you man. I like you but here's the thing dawg. That was a little, I don't know, man, that was a little pitchy for me dawg. I mean, that wasn't my favorite thing I heard from you man. I don't know what's going on with song choices, but, I mean, I don't know dawg, how do you think you did? Yeah, I don't know, that was just okay for me man. What about you Paula?"

Watch the show. I bet I got him verbatim.

And then we have the highly medicated Paula who will have so much trouble concentrating on staying upright in her seat and not licking all of the boy contestants that the best she'll be able to muster will be "I really like you. I do. Those are really great shoes. I think America loves you. Where did you buy those shoes?"

And then Simon will try to say something intelligent only everyone will boo over him, Randy will make a comment like "Dawg, Simon, that's just cause you got the smippity on your blappfert tonight dawg." or something that makes about as much sense. Simon will continue to try to make a constructive suggestion and Paula will tug at his arm and scream in his face until you hope to God he punches her until she stays down.

(In my mind, when I play this scene out, which is often, Paula springs back up every time Simon punches her, like that blow up clown you had when you were a kid. You hit it, it swings down then pops up, smiling and waiting to be punched again. That's Paula.)

The best performances of the night will be by the bald guy who's name might be Chris and the ugly guy who's name I don't have a shot in hell of remembering.

The old looking guy with Tourettes will do something no one understands and I'll need shock therapy to get over his twitchy moves.

Ace will be completely off key and no one will notice because he's hot.

Mandisa will not win this year because she is fat, but damn it I want home girl to win because she outshines the hell outta everyone except bald guy, who's career would be ruined by a win.

The most important thing on teevee though, will happen at 8 tonight. America's Next Top Model is back. This is my favorite show, maybe ever.

Okay, no, I lie. My favorite show ever is The Mole.

This is my second favortie show ever.

I know I own ever CSI on dvd. I have the books, I write the fiction, it doesn't matter. CSI is trumped in every conceivable way by ANTM.

There are no words to describe it's delicious goodness.

No other show has given us, "Calm down, just calm down. Eat a cookie" or "Walk on water, walk like Jesus."

The only thing that will ever come close is The Newlyweds.

That's right.

I rented Rent last week. It sucked. I rented Grizzly Man, I couldn't wait for the bears to rip him apart.

I bought seasons 2 and 3 of The Newlyweds, never having seen a single epidsode. I hate Jessica Simpson. At the time of purchase I didn't give a damn about Nick Lachey.

This was the best purchase I've made in ages. I can't get enough of this. If I ran the world these two would have to stay together forever with camera's watching their every move because it's frigging addictive to watch.

It's the kind of bad that you want all of your snarkiest friends sitting next to you to watch.

Just like ANTM.

The anticipation of tonight's Top Model will pull me through anything today. Nothing will bring me down because I know tonight Tyra will once again make a complete and total azzhat of herself on national teevee just for my personal amusement.

And God Bless Her for doing it.

So there you have all the important stuff Crate. I know I left out a show or two but this is all you need for a fix I would think.

And E-beth on the off chance that you're seeing this, for GOODNESS sake don't miss ANTM tonight or we won't be able to dish about it tomorrow!

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