Every year I hear people bitching about the braggybragster Christmas letters they get from "friends" and family members in their Christmas cards.

I had never been the recipient of one, but yesterday it was my turn. I got not one but TWO of these things.

I hate that people who can't write fall back on bullshit...why waste my time with phrases like,

"The year has flown right by."
"Time flies when you're having fun"
"God Bless us everyone."

that last one in particular made me want to barf.

I have no aversion to being blessed. My God, you're god, the Willow tree in the back yard, if you want to ask it to bless me I'll thank you kindly, I can use all the blessings I can get. It's the stupid borrowing of the phrase that I hate.

Canned.

I mean, if they wanted to get their religion in there couldn't they say, "May God bless us in the new year?" or something even remotely worded by THEM?

One of these letters was from my boss. Clearly written by his wife (there were only 2 typos).

Her letter went on ad nauseum about his promotion and his duties running this place (we never see him, but I guess he's busy doing all the inivisble work) and how busy busy he is, but he still has a fun outlet of leading his sons cub scout troop.

(Note to Mrs. KOI: A fun outlet for an adult should not be cub scouts, that should be something you do because you love your kid, not you only down time)

She bragged about how she's holding basically every position in her church office and still has her job.

She talked about the kids activities and the family vacation to Disney.

There was no mention of the fact that both of the KOI's parents are dying and the year has worn him out emotionally and physically.

The other Christmas letter I got was from my neighbor's daughter who has been living with her mother for two years, making a huge pain in the ass of herself to her elderly and not all that healthy mother, while contributing NOTHING to the household and refusing to help with the smallest of chores.

SHE talked about how much she enjoyed her two trips to Ireland, how much the people she met there have places in her heart. She talked about the house she's building in her FATHER's garden (her father has been dead for years, it is her mothers garden) and how her cousin has been her
"sole source of support" through the ups and downs of the year.

She talked about her children and grandchildren (yes, she's old enough to have grandchildren) and looked forward to another trip to Ireland.

What she didn't do was mention her mother even a single time.

It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, I decided that I love a bandwagon and so I thought I'd throw together a little Christmas letter for all of you.

I'll be searching diary entries from the past year to try and help me to remember anything beyond yesterday, so if you want more info on anything you see in the letter (because I'm so damn fascinating) feel free to click on random entries from the month it happened in and see if there's more.

Ahem:

My Dearest Friends,

Another year has come to a close. Boy did that fly by. I never realized how quickly time moves when you're having fun. I think it might be illegal to have one of these letters without the above statement in the begining and I don't want the feds on my ass

Wow! What a year it has been. In January I started the year beating my boss with logic and dealing with the fact that he would in fact, be spending another year blaming everyone for crap he didn't want to bother with.

My exgirlfriend died after a short but nasty battle with cancer. In early January.

I remembered how much more useful it is to lose your mind completely than have to deal with all the crap going on (which is a thought I've had so frequently in the past week it's scary).

I started watching the movie Home at the End of the World which I finally found the time to finish watching in November.

I got new bookshelves last christmas and put them up in January. That was the single most exciting thing that happened all year.

My hips buzzed for no apparent reason. It still happens occasionally.

huh...know what? I couldn't even make it through January. I'm too bored with my own life to continue. I can't imagine how these people do it.

Guess I'll eat some of the rum butter balls I have hidden in my desk and give that some thought.

Oh, and if you're reading Fix (my CSI fiction, you can click the link on the left) Chapter 8 is up.

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