2005-12-05 - 12:37 p.m.

Le sigh.

It's been a busy couple of weeks and this one promises to stay just as busy.

There's some really good material in here for funny entries if I ever decide to tell you all about my aunt being in the hospital.

I mean, it isn't funny, but there's funny in there if I weren't too tired to dig it out for you.

The running back and forth to the hospital is wearing thin on me.

My mind has been so scattered. Christmas coming, trying to do something to be ready for that...

Then there is the fact that I'm supposed to be getting married a week from today or letting J go forever.

We finally had time for a little talk about this ultimatum this weekend and he's softened some.

I think he needed reminding about why December might not be a time I want to get married, especially so close to the date of my first husband's death.

So next week is off (though one of us will still be going to Vegas, I'll still be here), but the time frame hasn't been widened by too much.

He wants an answer and a wedding really soon. I don't blame him, and I've done so much thinking about it lately I feel like I'm going crazy.

It's weird to really explore my feelings for him, he's always just been there. If a year ago you had said that he was going to move on and ask me to either be with him or let him go I'd have quickly told you I was happy to see him move on.

Not that I didn't loved him, but that I've always thought he deserved better.

See, this is the reason there have been no entries lately. I have a lot to say, but this time, I think most of it has to be private. It has to be between him and me, because everything I start to type here I delete and tell myself that this time, for once, it's not just words on a page, it's not about getting the emotion out and moving past it, it's not about hearing everyone elses feedback...

it's about J and me, and my family and his son and how we make all of that work, or not.

OH oh oh...(I'm the opposite of santa) I nearly forgot. disney is really the gayest place in the world. Yeah, happiest place on earth is hype, but trust me... I called, got put on hold to the gayest music ever played and then spoke to two fo the gayest men oh...sorry, CASTMEMBERS (members...tooo gayyyyy) ever to lighten goofy's loafers. Crazy I tell you.

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