2005-11-08 - 1:03 p.m.

This image:

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made me think of a line from a pretty old duran song...

Hold tight, onto daddy's braclet, make them pay for their chances with money and they don't think that's nice...

Funny how stuff comes back to bite you in the ass huh?

Speaking of which...

I've been doing much thinking about Nick and I lately.

It started well before the dvd gave me impetus, I think I even mentioned it here, that I had thought about calling him, resisted, that he had called me and picked a fight so he could go back to hating me instead of missing me...

I mentioned some of this to Charley, who, other than Yas is about the closest person to the situation (in some cases I think Yas understands Nick better than Charley does, but maybe that's only because Nick relates better to women).

Charley told me I had "the wrong end of the stick" when it came to my relationship with Nick. He had let me spew my venom and lick my wounds for long enough and now it was time for a 'Come to Jesus' talk about the whole ball of wax.

As usual Charl made some very good points (he's irritating that way) about the things that I find so objectionable in Nick being things that are true for Charley, and myself, but that I don't trust Nick the way I trust my bond with Charley. He says it's wrong of me to blame Nick for being those things.

I chewed on that. I'm still chewing on it. Anything Charley says to me, and there was more but we'll see if we need to go into the rest as this goes on, anything he says to me in seriousness and honesty I take to heart. We are after all, a part of one another and if his insight isn't considered then who's should be?

More recently I had a conversation with Nick.

(This will be news to Charley, who will no doubt chastise me)

We flirted, teased, talked honestly about missing each other and yes, fought a bit, but not as much as our norm.

I talked to Richard about this a little yesterday and he asked what this meant.

I don't know.

I went back to see some of my entries from the last time all of this went on and look at what I found.

The more things change the more they stay the same I guess.

I continued reading through, thinking, well, if we're going to keep pulling each other back in then maybe we're meant to keep doing it until we figure out why.

Then I found this

and this (the last paragraph sent me for a loop)

After that there are a number of entries about the begining of the end for us and how self destructive I became as that occured.

and after that many many rants that were full of hatred for Nick.

(as an aside I also found this:

Jordan knows me so well it's scary.

He saw me before work, dressed as I was and said,

"You look hot, somebody's gonna have a very bad day."

No one knows better than you baby.

which made me smile like crazy)


While thinking about him today, and about the conversation we had yesterday and looking back at those entries which showed that he's been trolling around with the Arm Candy for something like 4 years now the only thing I've figured out is this:

I really hate the arm candy.


and while it would be so easy to dismiss this as jealousy that would be a mistake.

I hate that the arm candy is vacuous and incapable of standing up for herself but more than that I hate what she proves about Nick.

His vanity wins over anything else in his life.

Really, when you distill all of the stuff that I hold in evidence, you lose all of the interesting and remarkable things about him, his intelligence, humor, talent...all of it floats off in a puff of steam and what you are left with is the cold hard pellet of truth at his core.

Aesthetics rule his dominion.

It isn't that I don't want to put up with the partying, it isn't that I don't trust him when he's running around with Barbie dolls that he's dressed up as his fantasy woman, I in fact, DO trust him completely. If he told me tomorrow that the Arm Candy would continue to live in his home and be his escort to every public event but that he would not touch her and that I would be the only one in his heart I would believe him.

What bothers me is that he wants to be seen as someone who can be happy with this
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I could roll if it was someone I could respect. I'd understand if it was someone like yasmin, someone beautiful and bright who didn't mispronounce difficult words like, say, "hello". Really, I'd be okay with that.

It's that he needs to be seen as having this dolt at his side as his, what? Work in progress? Like some day he's going to reveal her as polished and finished like some Eliza Doolittle?

If it hasn't happened yet it won't.

It still leaves us with the "so what?"

If I could somehow convince myself to accept that part of him as something we could agree to disagree about it would be nice to have him around, but after realizing all of this, I can't look at him. I really can't think about seeing his face.

And, since I know none of you read all of that I'll leave you with this:

John Taylor:
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Steven Tyler:
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I'm just saying is all.

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