2005-10-05 - 11:44 a.m.

I've had a stiff neck for days now.

Stupid thing.

My back hurts too.

The saddest part is that I'm pretty sure it's from work. Because I had to WRITE. Like sit at the desk part of my desk and write.

Who does that? The desk part of my desk is for lunch and setting my poland springs on, not...work.

Of course the fact that I'm in pain 2 days later after having to write for a couple hours says a little something about what kind of shape I'm in.

I've given a lot of thought lately to shaping up.

I got a new exercize bike (found it, like, on the street, out to the trash, it's lovely and digital and much nicer than my last one which was also found out to the trash many many years ago) but I have no time to ride it.

I think frequently about how easy it would be to cut a bunch of unneccessary calories out of my diet, usually right before I consume a full bag of doritos or something.

I know I have to do something and I know it has to be relatively soon but I hate going into the holidays dieting.

Cause when I diet I'm a diet nazi. The last time I dieted I think I ate one fried food in a year. I wouldn't chew gum because that was an extra 2 calories.


I'm all or nothing. Which is why I get so fat. Because I knew when I stopped working out 2 hours a day and eating 400 calories a day that the weight was coming back.

I went back up to a size 10 and at that moment it was like, okay, if we're going to be fat anyway...and then it was like I blacked out and woke up wearing a circus tent.

So I don't want to go into the holidays in nazi mode because nobody loves hitler at christmas.

Still there are really good reasons to get the weight under control...the usual suspects like I think it was fun back when I could bend over to pick up a pencil without losing consciousness

Then there's the chaffing, which no one talks about but damn.

Sure there's the whole overall health thing.

Mostly though? What really motivates me?

Splinky is getting married in a year.
I know I HAVE to go to this wedding. It's not one that I can get out of.

If I'm still fat I will either go, hide, make sure Splink sees that I'm there and then take off at the earliest opportunity, or go and be the most loud obnoxious person there. It's a compulsion.

I will spend too much time looking for something to wear for all of the half hour that I'll stay.

I'll obsess about not wanting to go for the next 12 months.

IF on the other hand I can get my weight back under control by then I will go, be friendly and fun and have a really good time and maybe for once get to meet all of her other friends who have said they wanted to meet me for so long.

I don't like meeting people when I'm fat.

The funny thing is I don't much like being around the people I already know when I'm not fat.

Wait, that's not entirely true. There are some people I like being around either way, but there are some people who just go on and on about how great I look when I'm not fat and I hate being around those people. Those people make me want to go eat 16 tubs of butter.

I resent the idea that I'm a better person when I'm thin, that somehow they all get to chime in on how great I look because all I hear is "God you were a cow" and I just want to say fuck you, cows are people too.

The last time I was fat I lived a cows are people too existence more than I do now.

Or maybe I'm just more aware of it now.

I feel like I should be hidden out of sight of everyone.

This was not even a little bit what I wanted to talk about today. I just wanted to talk about the fact that my neck hurt and now I have shooting pains down my right arm and ...uh, there was something else...

Oh. Right.

I'm probably gonna get kicked out of Massachusetts for this but do you know what?

I hope the White Sox win the whole damn thing.

I don't really follow the baseball. I'm not much of a sports girl. I get excited for about 30 seconds when the Patriots win a Superbowl and I watched a couple of Red Sox games last year when they beat the Yankees.

I routed for the Red Sox last year and I kept an eye on the the game score most nights. It was exciting.

But we did that now. And the White Sox haven't done it since what, 1917? Come on man, it's time.

How much fun would it be to watch that city just go crazy on the same wave we did last year?

I want them to do it. I want them to crush everyone the way they crushed our Red Sox last night and I want them to win the whole enchilada.

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