I'm so ashamed to be an American.

No, it's not because of the war. I'm happy about the war. It's about time we quit giving blow jobs in the White House and start kicking some ass around here.

No, I'm ashamed because I know 2 people who actually gave Tom Cruise money this weekend. That's right. Two people with whom I choose to associate on a regular basis paid money to see War of the Turds.

I'll just never understand it.

Here's the second reason I'm ashamed to be an American.

Americans celebrate their patriotism to this nation by breaking the law. And only a handful of them get how insane that is. Drinking and driving...illegal fireworks, undreage drinking, drugs...sure, why not it's our birthday right?

Makes me want to vomit.

And the third reason I'm ashamed to be an american?

Carrie Underwood.

That's the shortlist for today.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I spent the weekend reading Laurie Notaro's books which are kinda funny, but not as funny as half the diaries I read every day. That's the thing about the age of blogging, must make being a humor columnist a tough job. Everybody's giving it away hunny.

I was reading those because I thought they might help keep the panic attacks at bay. They started friday night and seem to be all gone now, thankyouverymuch.

I also strung some beads to make a few necklaces and keychains and bracelets.

Plus I saw Mr. And Mrs. Smith again because if I'm gonna give my money to anybody it's gonna be to Brad and Angelina, both of whom I hope to sleep with before I die.

I also want to see Batman, but Splink hadn't seen Mr. & Mrs. and I can't let such a huge chunk of her education about what is and is not appropriate go by.

I mean, she'll be first in line for Harry Potter goes to Star Wars with the Fabulous 4 spidermen or whatever dorkfestival is hot at the moment. She clearly needs schooling.

Actually I need to make a confession.

I told her I could be talked into seeing whatever that 4 movie is with the comic book type people.

I hate those kinds of things. Batman is the only one I like and that's only because Michael Keaton kicked my ass six ways to sunday with the first two.

But the 4 one...what the hell is it called? I'd see that because even though I hate obvious and base humor (unless its coming from me, obviously) of these sorts of thing, I get a hella kick out of seeing whatsisface chase whatsherface around with his hand on fire.

I have no idea why.

Unless it's a flashback to when I was on this tiny AM radio station for OLD PEOPLE WHO WERE PROBABLY ALREADY DEAD AND WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO FIND THEIR ROTTING CORPSE BEFORE THE CAT EATS IT...at least I think that was our slogan...anyway...

when I was at that station I had a good friend who did the news. We were separated by a full studio but there were plexiglass walls all the way through so we could see each other. If we were both on the air at the same time I would have my back to her but she would be looking at my back.

Anyway, this was way back when and she did a story about a new comic book hero who could take off parts of his body and throw them at people to do his bidding.

Naturally we both went to the most disgusting possible place with that and she started to giggle when she saw me flashing signs with "Detachable Penis up next on WSMN- radio for the decomposing" on them.

It started as a little giggle but soon it was one of those uncontrollable things that roll over you and attack everyone around you and soon we were both completely unable to control ourselves. Snorking into our microphones was the best we could do.

Our station owner was upstairs and we could hear him beating around on the floor of this old house turned radio station. He weighed roughly six bajillion pounds and was stomping around his office directly over the studio. I started a weather report of falling station owners and that was it, we just fellout.

I didn't get fired but I did get "Looked at." He'd stare at you in hopes you'd cry.

I bought him a pin that said, "I'm not God, but I know Her." and stuck iton his door. Heh.

Yeah, that story? It had nothing to do with a damn thing. but it was a fun ride no?

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