2005-03-25 - 3:41 p.m.

Oh y'all.

(That was just for Charley, God help us all when he starts soundin southern).

I've spent the better part of my day alternating between fighting with and ignoring Nick.

The Boys will be here in a week and I've said I won't come to the show because I don't want much at all to see Nick. I'd rather listen to Mikhaila sing eminem songs for 10 hours straight. (By the way how glad are we that she's finally gone?).

I said I wouldn't go because I don't want to have to see Nick. It wasn't my way of being bratty. I've missed shows before, no big deal. But I guess Charley's pitchin a hissy fit (it's his time of the month don'cha know) and blaming Nick so Nick is callin me and emailing me saying can't we be mature about this.

I am being mature about this (or I was, until I got on the phone with Splink and started torturing Nick via voice mail).

I don't want to see you. I'm not coming to where you are.

How do you get more mature than that?

I mean, if he wants immature I can do that. I can show up and make a right pain in the ass of myself, and if'n he brings the wannabe Barbie arm candy I'll use her for target practice, but I just don't want to expend the energy on it.

I hate him.

I've never hated an ex before, I've said I've hated J but that was a lie.

I hate Nick.

I hope Taj isn't reading this becauseI know that would be hard for her.

I can't just go be around him and ignore him because I don't feel apathetic about him, that would be fine. If I could find it in my heart to just not give a chit about him then all would be well.

But I hate him, even after all this time I drip with venom at the mention of his name.

And that is so phukin dangerous.

Because with that much passion it can only go one of two ways.

I have no impulse control.

I may hurt him, physically and badly, or emotionally (if he's capable of feeling anything beyond his latest botox) but I may really destroy him.


I could look at him and remember all the reasons I got passionate about him in the first place. It sickens me that this is a possibility but with all this stuff stirred up it's so easy to mislabel and then...well, we're not going back there.

So, I stay away. And I wish I could go because Splink is going and I would jess love to be able to go and sit with her (not that she asked mind you, because she's going with Fester, which is only right because he got her the tickets, but still I'd like to) and watch her and giggle with her, and tell her all the behind the scenes stories of what's going on up there, even if we were in the back, especially if we were in the back, where Nick couldnt' see me and then we could jus go somewhere and drink, far away from him.

but I can't.

So I'll stay away, and he's not gonna change my mind.

And Charley will get over it. Because he loves my wide ass.

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