2005-03-07 - 11:13 a.m.

Over the weekend I was with a group of friends and someone asked the group if you could change 3 specific moments of your life, which would you change and why. There was no copout of "I wouldn't change a thing because then I wouldn't be here blah blah" allowed.

Here are the ones I shared:

1. I'd have told Jeff how I felt instead of just letting him think he was right when he said no one would ever love him as much as Kathy. I'd have torn out my heart and laid it on the grass right there on the side of that hill and watched it bleed right into the ocean.

Why? Not because I think he was THE guy, not anymore. I'd do it because it would save me all those years of wishing that I had, all those years of thinking of how much happier I'd be if I hadn't let myself down in that moment. I couldn't do it back then because I was afraid I'd lose his friendship and I was willing take whatever little part of him I could get, but now I know better. I'm older and wiser and I understand that if you don't lay it out there then there's nothing holding you together and if you do lay it out there and he says, dude, I don't feel that way about you and then is creeped out by being your friend then you were just wasting alot of time and energy and yeah, it'll hurt for like a cosmic second but life will go on.

2.I wouldn't have gone out with Jordan that night after Mark's show.

Why? I love Jordan, and I'm really happy that we have each other the way that we do, but I'm certain that that night changed all of our lives forever. I spent the entire time talking to D anyway, but it opened the door to the relationship between J and I that stopped the possibility for a relationship between D and I until it was far too late.

This one was tough. I'd hate to have missed out on all of the times that J and I shared, and I don't believe that we'd be as close friends as we are had we not gone out that night. Still, I have to believe that we'd have found a way to be friends, and that D and I would have gotten together.

3. I'd like to go back in time and tell, both myself and Matt to not let each other go. I may not have listened bacause back then the thought of having one day that we didn't see each other was ridiculous, but when we started growing apart we both knew it and let it happen. I wish so hard that we hadn't. (For those of you without the home version, Matt was my closest friend, NOT a boyfriend. Well. Mostly not a boyfriend.)

Why? Because dammit I miss him.

Everyone was surprised that I didn't say that I would've made TL stay home from St. Thomas so he wouldn't have fallen from that cliff, or that I didn't warn Ben not to drive home from his parents that night and get killed, or that I hadn't listened sooner when Annie said she wasn't feeling well, or that I hadn't fallen from that stupid wall and crippled myself for life.

I think those were all things that needed to happen. I don't think that they should be messed with. Would I love it if the people who had died were still here? Obviously. Would I be happier without the foot pain? Yeah, I believe I might be. Those aren't things though that you can go back and say, nah, let's mess with this. Those are bigger than that.

Okay, anyone else wanna share?

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