2005-02-07 - 12:19 p.m.

I just ate a banana.

It didn't taste like a banana at all. It tasted like some other kind of fruit. But I can't tell you which kind. I have no brain left.

I have a rack of cassettes in my room. I almost never look at it because all of the good stuff is out of it and riding around in the back seat of my car. The other day though the Bug mentioned something to me that I thought might be up there and interesting to listen to so I looked this morning.

What I was looking for wasn't there.

What was there was an old cassette single by Maria McKee (if you haven't heard her you really should but only if you're in the mood for sort of country mostly suicidal type stuff). The song was "Show Me Heaven" from the soundtrack for Days Of Thunder, which I never saw.

I remembered liking the song but couldn't remember the song itself.

When I put it on while driving to work it hit me full force.


Now rather than telling you the story of Sean, bits and pieces of which are strewn about my diary like dirty underwear, let me ask you something.

Have you ever been attracted to someone, magnetically attracted, for no disernable reason?

If you have how long did it last?

Was it mutual?

I guess I should talk a little about Sean or it will just seem coy.

I've known Sean for twenty years. In that time he has married the same (wrong) woman twice.

I don't mean to imply that I am the right woman. I'm not.

I couldn't be the right woman for Sean for all the world.

That's where I get confused.

When Sean and I met there were very good reasons in place for me to NOT be drawn to him. An age difference of epic and indecent proportion, less for the span of time between us and more for the age at which they occured is one of the most important.

You'll look at me funny if I tell you how old we both were.

Before you call the net police though, I will tell you that not a thing happened between us until he was 19. At that point the age difference seemed a non issue.

What is completely bizarre is that we had this mutual attraction when he was too young to have an attraction at all. It wasn't sexual. It was...too difficult to explain.

Anyway, we never spent a great deal of time together, except occasionally when I'd babysit his younger siblings (I'd steer far clear of him then), or when his mother (a good friend of mine) was around.

If we ended up anywhere in the same vicinity though we were drawn to one another and it never stopped.

We're both in our 30's now and if we run into one another, at a friend's house or the grocery store or (most frequently) a funeral there is still that charge in the air. We'll be awkward with each other in the first few moments because what do you say to someone that you feel a deep connection with and yet never see?

It never takes long though. Rooms full of people, significant others, doesn't matter. We always end up right there next to one another.

I could never be with him. We have nothing to say to one another. We have no similar interests but aren't opposite enough to make it an opposites attract thing, so what the hell?

Anyone else? Anyone?

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