2004-10-13 - 12:14 p.m.

I was in the shower last night and used a conditioner I haven't used in years. I didn't even realize it was any different from the conditioner I always use until I poured the stuff in my hand.

It's thick and creamy (as most conditioners are) and pale yellow. When I saw it there in my hand I had this flash, there was no real thought process, no understanding, just this moment of, specialness. Then I brought the yellow creamy goodness closer to my head and caught a sniff of it's aroma.

WHAM! Right in the ole nostrils, I knew exactly what was special. This was the conditioner I used when I was with Jeff.

Nostalgic and sad I continued my shower.

The last time I slathered my head with this elixer I was preparing for an evening of magic and wonder with a man who made my heart jump every time I looked at him. My feet never touched the floor and excitment was around every corner. Every moment was filled with potential.

Sure, I was young and hadn't been kicked around by reality much, and yes, he was my first love, my first in alot of ways. He was the first man I could sit in a coffee house with on a rainy sunday afternoon and discuss religion and philosophy. He was the first time I stopped seeing other men. I don't mean the first guy I didn't cheat on, though he may have been that too, now that I think about it, but he was the first time that I was so in love, so consumed with someone that I viewed the world through completely different eyes. I didn't see hot guys walk by, they were just guys. He was also the first person to make me feel like I was the most special, exciting, talented person in the world.

I clearly remember the feeling, but I've never had it since, of being somewhere with him, out to eat or whereever, and him leaving, to go to the bathroom or talk to someone he knew across the room...watching him come back...I don't think I can explain it, it felt like stretching and yawning like a cat on the inside, like something you hadn't known you missed was coming back and you could just breath that little bit deeper. It's impossible to explain if you've never felt it, but it's so palpable now.

I had forgotten alot of the things about Jeff, about me and Jeff that had made that time especially amazing, but that little palm full of conditioner brought so much back...

I have nothing that makes me feel that way now. Nothing that fills me with anticipation, nothing that makes me believe that the next moment could be THE moment, I don't even know what THE moment could be anymore.

Growing up sucks. Don't try it.

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