2003-10-28 - 12:35 p.m.

"Show me your secret and tell me your name catch me with your fizzy smile"

Hottie of the day:

'And I wiped away the water from my face to look through the eyes of a stranger"

He was enchanting the first time I saw him. My attention was all his, those blue blue eyes, that long lean body, that golden hair...

"Those words are all remainders echos growing in the heart of twilight"

All of that might have faded into the next videoboy if I hadn't gotten ahold of the lyrics. The Book of Words. Vividly I recall the day it arrived in the mail. It was late spring and sunny. I tore open the package, went through the photos in an accompanying book and then settled myself on a picnic bench in my side yard to read lyrics that I already knew, and the words 'Simon' had chosen to explain them.

I read every single word of that book, the new lyrics I hadn't heard, the side bars that 'Simon' had used to describe his process, and I read his lyrics, lyrics I knew by heart, but I took the time to read each and every phrase, every word, every syllable. I don't think I breathed, I don't think my heart beat.

"I know this is real believe it we belong together

Whatever happened you're gone I've been with me forever"

When I had finished the book the sun had nearly set, there was a chill in the air and my face was not just wet but soaked with tears. I had read his soul, and he had read mine.

"I don't remember quite how I met you wasn't long ago

I just get a picture of sun in your eyes the waves in your hair"

That first in person glimpse, I'll never forget it. The first time he became tangible, solid matter, the first time our eyes met and held...

"Caught and sheltered this is what we've made you know I will stay here

in Antarctica and you will stay here with me"

As soon as we met we developed this bubble around us, there was this special space that we traveled in together...

"I give without condition wouldn't try to save your soul

Money or reputation doesn't mean a thing to me"

We were inseparable, we spoke a shorthanded language no one around us understood and just completely GOT one another.

"Special communication it's the only thing we need

Reaching out, calling out just come softly to me

Calling out, hear me now in the shelter of my heart"

I went out with them, I turned my life upside down. The shock value served to keep my family just off balance enough to not know how to react. It gave me time to slip it through as a work assignment and no one could really question the sanity of it.

"Trading in my shelter for danger I'm changing my name just as the sun goes down"

We had a relationship on the road that was difficult to define. Lots of people thought they got it.

"I just wanna wrap myself in you baby we can tell the world we're fooling around"

They didn't.

"A quiet word is my proposition a promise made on a fierce day"

It was, and is, an honesty. A knowing. A trust. We never had to measure or judge the words we used with each other. I have never been afraid to tell him how deeply I love him, how very much he matters to me. With other people I might pull words back, choose them more carefully lest they be thrown back at me later. That would never happen with Charley.

"And if you dare step out of line

You're gonna be abused. You may not like it you may not be scared

But hell have no fury like a young girls ego."

The same is true for words that would be hurtful. I can hurl anything at him, and he at me becaue there is no way that we would ever need to hurt each other. If I say something to him that would wound someone else it will not wound him because he knows that if I've said it, it has come from a place of love.

"Live in sympathy use psychology to find the twist in me"

No one will even understand me the way he does because no one will ever be me the way he is.

"And how could you dare to become so close so real when you're just a ghost of me"

There have been times when I'm certain I could not have gone on without him. He has said much the same to me. I will not bring forth examples of those times here, and I guarentee you that if you are reading this and you are not him, and you are not me, and you are not, perhaps Yasmin, then you do not know the times of which I speak because while I share so much of what happens between us with some of you, I would not, and could not share all, and most especially not these times.

"Blow in my mouth every breath I take"

"And with your blindfold secrets, cutting fast and loose

The lacey intrigue of this weekend should not be abused"

"Oh baby you get so wild, mmm too much understanding"

Not that its all so heavy. There is a joy just in breathing in the scent of him. His voice on the phone,

"I heard you speak my name, heard you singing the stones,

Maybe heard you laughing in a line of static on my telephone"

his words on a screen, but mostly when he's close to me. Watching him move through his day in a way that still fascinates me. And to be honest there is still...a hotness...

"The taste of you upon my lips the fingers in my brain"

"Don't make it every night don't wanna be the love of your life (I'll be here)

So if you are inclined to spend a little time I'll be here"

There aren't words enough, not his and not mine, to say what needs to be said.

Maybe this says it all:

"ícos I believe a little part of you inside of me will never die"

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