2003-09-15 - 12:30 p.m.

Like a fur coat.

I wasn't going to talk about this here at all. I wasn't going to talk here at all.

I was prepared to come in today and just put a note in the diary saying that there would be no further entries until I am able to deal with my crap.

Except that as this opened I realized that the fur coat thing is almost a good analogy.

It may be a difficult one for some of you but just keep in mind that I'm not actually talking about a fur coat. That's not it, but it's like this:

Imagine that all of your life you have known people who have fur coats. And you don't have one. YOu don't really want one. You think that they are fine, fun and you enjoy hanging out with your friends who enjoy their coats, but you never even considered having one of your own.

You knew that some of your friends with fur coats almost never wore them outside because they were afraid people would jeer or throw paint on them and so they kept them at home and took them out sometimes to look at or maybe just wear to a friend's house. You told your friends they were being silly, if you love the damn thing wear it proudly.

Then you noticed this one fur coat. It just seemed so much better than the others. It seemed to just call to you. You never got all that close to it, just noticed it whenever you walked by the shop window. Then one day you had to go in the shop for something else and you tried the thing on, just to see.

This coat fit you like it was made for you. This is THE coat. You buy the coat.

You wear the coat home. No one notices but you feel like the queen of everything. You are giddy and happy and everything is so good you finally get what was always so great about the fur coats.

You happily wear it for a few days and then you remember. This is not acceptable. It is not acceptable because it is wrong. You never EVER thought it was wrong when your friends where parading around in them, or hiding them or whatever. It was never even possible that it was wrong. But now that you have your own, you realize, not matter how good it feels, it's wrong and you have to stuff it in the back of your closet and try to apologize to the universe for ever having though of it as good.

So the take home message here kids is that I'm working hard to sublimate.

If you're one of the VERY few people who know what I'm sublimating, do me a favor, leave it alone. Don't bring it up unless I do.


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