2003-09-11 - 2:58 p.m.

Something is weirding me out lately.

Yeah. Weirding me out is a good way of putting it.

You want to know what's really strange?

You think you know yourself pretty well. You think you've got a handle on what's going on in your head and in your heart and you think that you know the difference between what you present to the outside world and what's really truly going on inside.

And then.

And then you say something, basically for effect for awhile. And then you say it to someone you're pretty sure will overreact to it, just for effect, because it's fun to get a rise out of people.

Only said person doesn't overreact at all. Said person expresses so little surprise that said person actually says that anyone who didn't already assume that this thing, this thing that you don't even think is true, is true is an idiot.

Did you follow that?

Okay, so then, days later, and really completely (almost) unrelatedly you come to the realization that that thing you said for effect, it was true all along.

And you think. WOW how did I miss this? How am I the last one to know this about myself?

And you think you know how you feel about this thing because it has after all been right there all along, and has been something you've "played" at, used for effect or for fun for a long time.

Only you don't know how you feel about it.

In fact, you're completely stunned by it and have no idea what, if anything to do about it.

Except you can't stop thinking about it.

You even surprise yourself by crying about it a little.

And you still aren't even sure you want to say this much about it.

But you do.

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