2003-07-30 - 11:15 p.m.

Jordan called me after reading my diary last night.

Go read the past few entries, maybe the last off the top of my head, 4 entries...go ahead, I'll sit here and hum to myself while you do it.

hummmmity hummm hummm humm

Back? Okay so Jordan, having read those and I don't know how many others calls me and says to me "You've been in a good mood lately huh?" and he's not being sarcastic. He means it.

And I agree, I've been in a great mood lately. Things are going well, the weather is beautiful and all is right with the world.

So then I get an email this morning that Rhodes sent last night his time.

He's ranting on about how I'm just in a really bad place right now and then I'm taking my general unhappiness out on him. He said lots of other stuff too, maybe some of it will make it in here, maybe not, all depends on how much time and space I feel the need to give him right now.

I didn't bother to answer him. I may later, or I may ignore him or I may just write a bunch of crap here and let him read it with everyone else because he's so fucking wrong it's almost funny.

Jordan gets it. I'm lashing out, oh sure, and I'm spewing venom and ranting and raving about all the things that make me angry. But for the most part I'm doing it in a creative way, I'm turning phrases that I think are at least a little clever.

Jordan sees this as my having a good time. Jordan also gets that this doesn't mean I'm not angry. He knows that this means that I'm damn angry, but that the anger is focused in the right place, and that it is not taking over my life and coloring my perception of all around me.

Because Jordan knows what that looks like too. Jordan has seen me when I decide that instead of being angry at my bosses incompetence or Nick's inability to act like a human on any concievable level, or insert any of a multitude of evils I've assigned to Jordan personally, that any of these things is just a symptom of the evil of the universe and that everything around me is hateful and that there is no point in trying to do anything positive.

Jordan knows that in that place there is no humorous turn of a phrase. In that place there is only silence and lots of clean things.

And guess what boys and girls. I know what you're thinking. Not all of you, but most of you are thinking, oh, here we go again. It's Jordan's turn to be the Golden Haired Boy. No, you're wrong. It was just an interesting fact to me. That he not only recognized that I wasn't generally angry, but that he was able to interpret, from all of those angry entries that I was in a good mood.

Nick on the other hand couldn't read it at all. You would think his inablity to read me would have been a problem in our relationship but it never was. Maybe I was tired of being so easily read. Maybe I didn't mind his not being able to read me because Charley was always pretty close by to read me. Whatever the reason that was never a prohlem. The problem in the end wasn't even us wanting different lifestyles.

The problem was his choice of style over substance.

It's cheap, rhodes. You can dress it up in designer labels, you can drape jewels on it, and put a glass of champagne in it's hand, but it's still cheap.

Be careful Rhodes, because at the end of the day, the last thing you're going to want to be remember as is cheap.

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