2003-07-26 - 9:41 p.m.

I am so completely drawn to him.

It shouldn't surprise me anymore really but it does.

When I opened the package today I had no emotional reaction, which you might expect me to have. Well, I had an emotional reaction, but not the one you'd expect. I was happy. Really happy and excited that he had sent a package and loved what I found inside.

As I flipped through the book inside my eyes were drawn, photo by photo dirctly to him. Magnetized.

Every photo, right to him, photos I'd seen before, photos that were entirely new, I didn't have to seek him out my eyes were on his, the moment the page turned.

I was actually annoyed by this, annoyed by him. I was reminded of all of the reasons that I am angry with him. I want to say that angry is the wrong word, that disappointed and disheartened would be more apt. They are not. They are true, but they are not any more true than angry. I am so damn angry at him.

I flipped and looked and read, and got mad or amused or nostalgic in all very the appropriate places. Then, very close to the end I found a page of photos. 5 photos, each just a slice, a half of each of their faces. VERY CLOSE UP. You can count the hairs on their chinny chin chins. You can, in some cases count their pores.

As always my eyes went to his first. SLAM. Pain. Regret, sorrow, lust, love. All of it. It was so uncomfortable to be looking at him from such close range without him looking back. I had to look away. I sought out the face of the one who sent me the package. A smile crossed my lips immediately. I cannot look at this photo of him without smiling. Viceral smile. I want a band so I can name it that. It reminded me of all of the things he has been to me in the past, the package sender, not the magnet. The package sender has been my haven so many times and sometimes when we get so very far apart I forget just how amazing his shelter can feel.

I'm fighting the impulses now. I want to just shake this off and get on with ignoring his(the magnet) influence in my life. I want to forget the joy of being near him, in the emotional sense as well as the physical sense. I want to hide from it.

"I am a siren in the rain" Thanks C...I love it.

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